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  • Paul Davidson

Diane Keaton and Her Old, Wrinkly Skin

I had a really disturbing experience tonight. That experience — watching Jack Nicholson rip off Diane Keaton’s sweater and make love to her. Kiss her. Even more disturbing is how close the damn camera is to her face in the whole movie. Some people have been saying things like, “For someone her age, she looks damn good.”

Well you know what — any woman over 60, no matter how good she looks, still looks old. And I don’t want to watch old people (who resemble the same age as my parents) have simulated sex on the movie screen. And I definitely don’t want to see Nicholson’s huge, fat, hairy ass on a huge, fat movie screen.

Something’s Gotta Give, the new movie from the Director of What Women Want has just released a movie that is a 50+ something’s dream. Old people having sex. Old people falling in love. Old people ripping off each other’s clothing, professing their love, and swapping spit.

Until I’m old, I don’t wanna see it.

They look OK. Even Diane Keaton looks good on the above promotional graphic (can you say “airbrush?”). But I just couldn’t stomach it. At first I was uncomfortable with the acting. I just didn’t feel like it was natural. Diane Keaton was overacting. Jack was doing his same old typical character. I wasn’t buying it. Then when the romance started and Jack was cutting off her sweater and making love to her — it just wasn’t hitting a chord with me. The audience was laughing their asses off. The average age of the audience? Fifty.

So. The moral of this half-assed movie review? It’s obviously a movie for an older audience. I’ll admit that when we got to the ending, there was some endearing stuff in there. A “cute” ending. But overall, I just get depressed looking at Jack in all his “load-goodness”. Dude, the guy is HUGE. He looks horrible. I just couldn’t stop thinking to myself, “Dude, can’t the guy lose some weight?”

I’m seeing Big Fish on Sunday. I think I’ll dig that a little bit more than this. As for tomorrow, the painters are coming in to finish the master bedroom, going to a wedding, then Sunday is all about putting the house back together again.

And by the way — Howard Stern’s “America’s Smartest Stripper Conteset” is genius. Such questions that stump them?

An example: 1. What does S.U.V. stand for? Stripper answer: Ssssssss? Utility Vehicle? Standard Utility Vehicle?

Gotta love it.

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