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  • Paul Davidson

Celebrities Apologize Just Like Normal People Do!

As a writer, I catalog things.

Sometimes I catalogue them and other times I catalog them, but all the times I am writing down and listening and writing down in a catalogue/catalog form. Man, if only the UK/US spelling inconsistencies would get resolved, there would be so much more happiness and colour/color in my face.

Nonetheless, I am now ready to present to you a list of Celebrity Apologies. These are the things celebrities say as they gear up to apologize (something they do a lot in their lives) and these are the first lines that open the door for such groveling. I think you’ll find it as interesting and telling as I do.

Edward Norton: “Although I find this completely fucking unfair, I have something to tell you…”

Paris Hilton: “My daddy said I should give you a call…”

Robin Williams: “Woah, when I got up, heeee-yah, like off the ground like a karate-expert just slammed, ka-pow!, what was I saying, saying something, hold on here…”

Nick Nolte: “Where am I? Who are you? What time is it?”

Mary Kate/Ashley Olsen: “She has something to tell you. No, SHE has something to tell you. No. Our parents have something to tell you…”

Roseanne Barr: “Fuck that. I’m leaving.”

John Travolta: “L. Ron was always so open to the mistakes of human beings and I too, embrace such feelings when it comes to human existence…”

Matthew Broderick: “Sarah Jessica told me I had to call you…”

Henry Winkler: “I’m s-s-s-s-… I’m s-s-s-s-…”

Ashley Judd: Although I don’t really believe I’ve done anything wrong…”

Lindsay Lohan: “I am sooooo drunk. What was I going to say?”

Woody Harrelson: “You know, if it wasn’t for the government keeping the production of hemp illegal, I would never be having this conversation with you…”

Carrottop: “Hold on, hold on. I’ve got to finish my call using 1-800-CALL-ATT before I can tell you why I’m calling…”

Oprah Winfrey: “Today’s special guest from the Center for National Apologies…”

Catherine Zeta-Jones: (Crying) “It’s all your fault… You and the national media!!”

Halle Berry: “So you know, I hit my head…and have no recollection of needing to apologize for anything…”

Yes. I’m sorry, too.

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