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  • Paul Davidson

Bush vs. Kerry

With one day to go before one of the most controversial elections ever (I don’t know if that’s really true but it makes it sound so much more dramatic), there are still some things left to discuss.

Sure, the candidates have bloated the air waves with their thoughts on 9/11, terrorism, unemployment, taxes, stem cell research, God in the classroom, Heinz ketchup, lesbian daughters and missing weapon caches… But have they really gotten down to the nitty gritty? Have they really discussed the stuff we normal non-political human beings want to know the answers to?

No, they haven’t.

So, in an attempt to help you make your final decision, WFME presents you with a list of “versus” subjects, and the candidate WE BELIEVE would win in those scenarios. This is all based on polls, scientific data and algorithms that we do not understand:

Q: When you use the bathroom, while living with females, after having gone “number one” what do you believe should be done with the toilet seat?

A: Bush believes that the toilet seat should be left open because terrorists may possibly use a hidden dark area such as that to hide explosives. Kerry believes that whatever his wife wants him to do (he respects all females) is the way to go.

Result: Bush wins. Why: Because any man who believes someone could hide explosives in your toilet has obviously seen the movie Lethal Weapon 2 and is an avid movie watcher, which appeals to the general public more than husbands who do whatever their wives say.

Q: What percent milk do you use when you use it, and what do you use it on?

A: Bush uses whole milk in everything, including his cereal which usually ends up being Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes or Granola. Kerry, on the other hand, drinks 1% skim milk and uses it in his Grape Nuts.

Result: Kerry wins. Why: Because Bush can’t quite make up his mind when it comes to cereal. Does he like bland, sweet or crunchy cereal? Kerry, however, has made the choice to live a life of health, including keeping his heart strong (which will not have an attack due to stress when we’re attacked) and his teeth strong due to the eating of a cereal whose consistency is that of tiny pebbles.

Q: Who’s a nerd?

A: Bush flies in fighter planes, gets on aircraft carriers, shoots ducks, digs up bugs in the wilderness and lives on a farm. He’s got horses, dogs, and big trucks with lots of storage. Kerry served this country on a floating barge, wears tailored suits, loves his daughters immensely and married a wife whose money comes from a Ketchup empire.

Result: Bush wins. Why: He’s not a nerd.

Q: Who really would be my best friend if I asked them to be my best friend?

A: Bush would totally tell me we were going to be best friends. He’d probably send me some kind of letter saying that he was my best friend, signing it, saying it on camera, and then forgetting about me. Kerry would hang out with me and play video games at Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater and call me on my birthday.

Result: Kerry wins. Why: He may not make me as many “best friend” promises as Bush would, but he’d fulfill his best friend duties by calling and hanging out with me, however limited that might be.

Q: What would they get me for my birthday?

A: Bush would get me a gift certificate to Red Envelope, a place that almost any object can be purchased online. Kerry would send me a carton of something, that I probably wouldn’t even recognize because it was too “above my head.”

Result: Bush wins. Why: He’s giving me the choice (within reason) to buy whatever I want (within reason). Although he may have had an assistant order it and send it to me, it’s better than some carton of crap that Kerry’s sending to me to show off how rich or cultured he is.

Q: When I slam my finger in the car door, how do they handle it?

A: Bush immediately calls 911 and makes sure they take me to the hospital. Kerry takes me to the hospital and plays They Might Be Giants on the CD player while we’re on our way there (while I’m bleeding all over his leather seats) to keep me smiling.

Result: Kerry wins. Why: Bush just gets me there, but he doesn’t care how. Kerry wants me to feel better while on the trip to getting sewed up. And he even plays one of my favorite bands on the CD player — which rocks!

Ultimate WFME Poll Result: It’s a dead heat. 50% Bush / 50% Kerry

Unfortunately, you’re going to have to decide on your own.

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