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  • Paul Davidson

Building a Better Piece of Gum

Trident Cinnamon Gum has got to be the smallest, creepiest, once-chewed-it-becomes-an annoying chokable pellet piece of gum-ness I have ever chewed in the history of my life.

And I can’t take it anymore.

When I decide to put a foreign object into my mouth that will bring me juicy flavorful goodness in a food that I cannot digest but which I can masticate for hours and hours and hours…I want it to fill up my mouth from cheek to cheek. I want the taste explosion to hit every bud on my tongue. I want it to be as close to the time I separated out all the marshmallow thingies from Lucky Charms and ate them with milk, chewing voraciously as every dark corner of my mouth was filled with multi-colored marshmallow chalkiness.

Aaah, the memories.

But with gum, the powers-that-be in the high-council of Gumdom, have not seen it fit to provide their consumers with a piece of gum the size of Manhattan.

(Editor’s note: Scale is important here. Trident gum is the size of one city block in New York City, while a piece of gum that I would desire to chew would be the size of Manhattan. That is about a 1:459 ratio.)

A few years back, one company tried to answer the cries of those fed up with the midget-like Trident gum by providing a gum called Orbitz. They took Trident’s gum dimensions and almost doubled the length and width. But even then, I would have to pack three to four pieces of the gum to satisfy my gum needs. There was still no way, no normal packaged way, to get what I wanted.

These days, I find myself eating a pack of Orbitz in a fifteen minute span of time. That way, I can always provide all corners and boundaries of my mouth with a constant barrage of Wintergreen or Cool Mint flavoring. It’s a costly process, but in the end, my gum fix is put at ease.

But still, with the fact that this whole country is obsessed with all things “bigger” from Super Size to huge salads to gigantic portions — you sort of have to wonder why no one has come to their senses and offered up a piece of gum the size of a loaf of seven-grain bread. I mean, we’ve got King Size candy bars, we’ve got tubs of ice cream. But gum, my friends, still remains petite.

I say, stand up in the face of petite.

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