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  • Paul Davidson

Bad Handshakes

You already know if I’m talking about you.

You have that slimy, weak, flimsy, oily, snake-like, stalker-esque, wimpy, dead-feeling, cringe-inducing handshake. And it’s giving me the heebs.

I’m sure every time you shake someone’s hand you realize that something weird is going on. There’s that initial pressure you get from the “shakER” (you being the “shakEE”) that starts then mysteriously disappears when you introduce your five-finger flappy-grip. Then, as your shaker loses the will to apply pressure to your play-dohish palm, there’s a look in their eyes. It’s one of fear and confusion. For why would you ever shake a hand like that?

You have tried, many times, to fix the jiggly jello-hand but you apparently forget each time you go to reach for someone’s hand. Is it the fact that you’re so caught off guard and so paralyzed with fear when someone reaches out to you that all strength to your hand is redirected to your brain?

Is it possible that your timing is just plain off? Maybe your brain tells your hand to grip but it doesn’t happen until after the shaker has applied pressure, thus leaving your crowded and cramped dopey digits in a tight finger-sleeping bag that’s so zipped up you can’t escape?

All I know is you have a horrible handshake and I wish you’d fix it.

You should know that everytime you shake someone’s hand (or, everytime you let someone squeeze your palm beyond all belief) they are thinking things about you. Some of the things they’re thinking include:

“Eiw.” “Oh god.” “Oh boy.” “Oh my GOD.” “Did he just eat buttered corn on the cob with his bare hands?”

Mind you, those are just some. There are others. Many others. So many others that I can’t even begin to tell you. But if you have found your hand in any of the above situations you must address the issue ASAP. You must resolve your issues in a timely manner.

Really, honestly… You must get a grip.

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