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  • Paul Davidson

April Fools (Or How Fools Ruin April 1st)

April Fools Day used to be a great holiday.

That was before the apropros “fools of the world” started putting less thought into real April Fools Day schemes and simply started sleepwalking through the day. These days, these “fools” think up their lame, half-assed jokes mere minutes before they occur…doing all of us American citizens wrong.

I want to walk into my office and have a huge pail of wet tar fall all over me, then when I run to the bathroom to try and wash it off I want my hand to stick to the handle via superglue…and as I rip the handle off (the screws have been mysteriously removed), and I run into the bathroom with one hand still gripping a bathroom-door handle, I want to slip on marshmallow creme that has been slathered all across the floor and covers my entire body, on top of the tar… I want to get up, try to wash everything off, and find that instead of water there is maple syrup coming from the sink. And then, as I smell of all the liquids that have covered me, I want to walk back towards the bathroom door, fall through the floor (through loosened floorboards), land onto a huge metal spike that impales me through my spine and sends me to the hospital, laughing.

Sends me to the hospital, laughing. Key words.

But instead of such elaborate schemes that used to happen all the time across this great country of ours in office bullpens and warehouses and on school yards, now we are faced with such simpletons that it’s starting to make me a little angry. I mean what do we have? Let’s take a look at some of the average gags being used all over the place these days:

The “Watch Out” April Fools Gag Where I sneak up next to you, point to the sky and say, “WATCH OUT!” You’re supposed to run for cover because, I guess, the sky is falling or something. Doesn’t work inside. DUH.

The “I’ve Got a Nail In My Hand and I’m Bleeding Profusely” April Fools Gag Some stupid person takes a nail, grips it between two fingers, drips some ketchup on it, then sits down next to someone in the cafeteria. Screaming, of course — “Oh. My. God. I’ve just impaled my hand on a nail!” Uh huh.

The “You Missed a Really Important Meeting” April Fools Gag “So, dude. You are SO busted! You just missed the huge important meeting with our CEO and investors! You are SO going to get fired for missing such an IMPORTANT meeting!” Yeah, stop smiling when you say that.

The “I’m Blind” April Fools Gag Someone walks up to you, stares you directly in the eyes, and screams that they’ve just blinded themselves through the use of some kind of deadly gas or spray. Problem is, they’re looking you in the eyes as they tell you this.

The “You Are So In Trouble For Doing What You Did Last Night That You Didn’t Tell Me About, But That I Already Know About” April Fools Gag A significant other approaches their partner, with a stern look on their face. “You are so in trouble for doing what you did last night that you didn’t tell me about, but that I already know about,” they say. Two problems… First, you’re way too wordy and you can’t act. Secondly, this gag usually falls apart when the partner feels guilty for actually committing adultery the previous night. Ick.

The “We’re Under Attack!” April Fools Gag Someone screams, “We’re Under Attack! The Red Coats Are Coming!”. More annoying, especially in the current climate where the only people wearing red coats are rappers and dinner theater actresses/actors.

The “I’ve Just Stained My Pants” April Fools Gag Someone rubs a cupcake’s frosting on their ass, then walks around waiting for someone to notice. Usually no one does.

The “I Know What You Did Last Summer” April Fools Gag Someone scribbles the note, “I Know What You Did Last Summer” and drops it on a co-worker’s desk. Then, wait for the fun to start! You’ll be waiting a very very long time.

The “I Made Coogle” April Fools Gag Also known as The “I Made Latkes”, “I Made Curry Chicken Salad”, “I Made Chicken Skewers”, “I Made Tuna Noodle Casserole”, “I Made Goulash” and The “I Made Baklava”. This supposed April Fools joke involves telling someone who knows you can’t cook for crap, that you just made an elaborate food item that hails from a foreign locale or country. I don’t know, just doesn’t do it for me.

The “You Are Invisible” April Fools Gag Some fool pretends you’re invisible, and doesn’t talk to you for the entire day. Then at the end of the day when you’re about to seek professional counseling, they tell you that actually you have really been visible all day long but they were just pretending. Chevy Chase already has cornered the market on bad invisibility, so why repeat it?

So. Let’s discuss.

April Fools Day is now, no longer applicable for us. No one comes up with anything worth acknowledging, and the only people who these gags can even work on are people who are visiting from non-English speaking, foreign countries…

And so I propose that today, on April Fools Day that we all do our part to develop real, elaborate jokes and gags that will impress and impale our friends and co-workers. Go that extra mile, people! Put in the time, put in the effort and really do your part. If there’s a news story on CNN, that’s a good gag. If there’s people slipping and falling into substances usually sold in plastic squeeze containers at the Supermarket, that’s damn good. If there’s crying and tempertantrums and people lunging for your throat or hurling staplers at your face, that’s good. Emotional reactions, people. The sign of a true April Fools Day joke, successfully executed.

You have to make someone cry.

Just remember. First Rule of Good April Fools Day Gag Club: You don’t talk about Good April Fools Day Gag Club.

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