In an attempt to offer something on this blog that no one, anywhere else has ever offered (which makes them intelligent and me, just a heartless, unfeeling cad)… I am about to offer up to you, my Official Allergy Update for Saturday, February 14th 2004. That’s right. As my Valentine’s Day present to you — I am going to let you into the deepest, darkest part of myself… That part?
My allergic under the skin parts of my body that react to stuff I’m not supposed to be in contact with because of chemical interactions and stuff and so that’s bad, oh so bad. (Ed. Note: This phrase will be streamlined in future references.)
Dr. Green told me this week that I am allergic to the following substances:
1. Cattle. It appears as if I must now abandon my dream of becoming a professional cow milker. I also must abandon my rodeo clown courses, which were set to begin at the State Fair in April. I also must forget about my Billy Crystal City Slickers inspired weekend where I lasso horses and help cattle give birth to a baby calf; where I reluctantly stick both of my hands (up to the elbows) into the cow’s rectum in an attempt to save the life of a baby calf. All these things will now, not happen.
2. Cockroaches. My thoughts in this instance turn to the end of the World, as a result of a nuclear holocaust. Where cockroaches and me (due to the my ingenious construction of an underground blast-protected cavern with DirecTV and TiVo) are the only survivors. Yet, the cockroaches will never learn from me how to save what is left on Earth because I will be unable to go anywhere near them or my throat will close up and then how useful will I be in communicating to them the ways of the “old world” and the mistakes that were made. Really. It’s sad. A full-on Catch 22.
3. Ginger. I can no longer whip thinly sliced pieces of ginger at the people behind me in my favorite sushi restaurant because by touching it, my fingers may swell, causing me to no longer be a master chopstick controller, and resulting in a less-than-stellar sushi experience. And we can’t have that, can we?
4. Baker’s Yeast. Even Dr. Green was unsure what Baker’s Yeast was compared to everyday bread-machine yeast. So, we decided to split the difference here and so I agreed to just stay away from the bread aisle at my local Ralph’s. I’ll just have someone fetch bread FOR me.
5. Needles. I determined this through my own research. With each shot, I felt a strange feeling that caused me discomfort. No swelling or a stuffy nose/congestion thing, but I really felt like something wasn’t right as the needles entered the outer layer of my skin. I explained to Dr. Green that, yes, this means that any future attempts at bringing me and “needles” together in a future appointment probably wouldn’t be smart. Dr. Green, unfortunately, didn’t seem to agree.
In other news, I have decided to only leave the house in a suit I have made (all by myself) that is made from tin-foil, saran wrap and those cool little green twisty-ties.