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  • Paul Davidson

Albert Finney Has a Driveway Concern

I was walking with another girl towards the house of a famous starlett.

The thing is, said famous starlett’s long-ass driveway also shares an area with Albert Finney’s driveway. The two meet at the street, then snake off in two other directions towards their respective mansions. But Albert, apparently, walks down in his sweat pants and his running shoes to the street part each day on his way to getting into his Jaguar and driving off to wherever he decides he wants to go.

On that particular day, my friend and I crossed paths with Mr. Finney.

“Good morning,” we said.

Albert Finney looked at us with the meanest look I’ve ever seen and said, “Good morning. And just so you know, [famous starlett] and I have an agreement. About the driveway.”

And with that, Finney got into his Jaguar and drove off in a cloud of smoke.

When I woke up from the dream I couldn’t help but wonder just what kind of agreement it was that my dream-world Albert Finney had with this unnamed starlett (whose identity I am still trying to figure out.) I have come up with a variety of reasons for Albert Finney and famous starlett’s driveway agreement and here are some of my suspicions:

1. A few years ago, famous starlett had one of those huge Hollywood parties where people got so drunk that as they were leaving the party they heaved all over Albert Finney’s part of the driveway. The rain normally would have washed away the nastiness (if it was the one or two days a year in LA where it rains) but instead, as Mr. Finney drove his Jaguar home, the tires kicked up such grossness and it splattered all over his brand new paint job. He wasn’t happy to say the least, asking famous starlett to never again allow people to walk on his part of the shared-driveway.

2. Ever since the success of Erin Brockovich, Albert Finney has been getting harrassed. People would wander in from the street and try to get on the property. Periodically, famous starlett would forget to close the gate at the end of the driveways, allowing star-searchers onto the property. One time, a bunch of teenagers got into Albert Finney’s garden and ruined his prized tomatoes. Needless to say, Albert Finney and famous starlett made an agreement about never letting strangers onto the driveway because of the whole vegetable-ruinage situation.

3. Albert Finney, trying to save money so he never has to take movie roles just for the financial stability, decided to tar his own portion of the driveway. Unfortunately, famous starlett’s friends walked onto it before it was dry, leaving foot prints that were never able to be removed. Ever since then, Albert Finney has expressed an unrealistic/passive-agressive attitude when it comes to anyone he doesn’t know walking on his side. He’s just annoying like that, what can he say?

These are the potential reasons for Albert Finney’s rudeness in my dream last night and I hope that this evening I can get back on his property so I can ask him once and for all what the deal is with this whole driveway agreement he’s made with the famous starlett whose identity I still don’t know.

I’m thinking Lauren Bacall could be the starlett, but I could be wrong.

In other news, tomorrow is yet another edition of the infamous “Words For Your Enjoyment” where you tell me what you think I think might be fun to write about and then if I think what you think might be thoughtful enough to think about, you’ll get a link (I think) and I’ll write about it. You know, or something like that.

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