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  • Paul Davidson

A Long List of Failed Resolutions

The list is long.

I have learned over the years that making New Year’s Resolutions is probably not the best case scenario for yours truly, seeing as though I do not make simple New Year’s Resolutions like losing weight, being more considerate, striving to do my best in my current job situation and learning to better handle life’s tragic disappointments.

Oh, those are the simple ones. The ones somewhat easily accomplished. NOT the kind of resolutions I find myself making.

There was 1994’s New Year’s Resolution to stop people from saying the phrase “waaaaaaazzzzzzuuuup!” My complicated plan to stop the public from using this over-saturated TV beer commercial saying was to hit people with a Nerf bat everytime they said it. Soon after January 2nd passed me by and I had sustained injuries from strangers who were less than pleased with my reaction to their pop-culture lexicon — I abandoned my New Year’s Resolution and went on my not-so-happy way.

There was 1996’s New Year’s Resolution to stop thinking about cheese. Stopping eating cheese was easy. It was stopping the thinking about cheese process that wasn’t so easy. In order to do so, I affixed my body with the same electrodes I had used the previous year (that was the year my New Year’s Resolution was to get a six-pack of stomach muscles using normal everyday household electricity) to shock my system everytime I thought of gouda, cheddar or muenster. The problem, of course, came when the seizures started. I had to, once again, abandon my claims to be cheese-free (in my brain).

There was ’98’s New Year’s Resolution to never say NO to anything or anyone. I felt I had been extremely negative in 97 and 98 and wanted to transform my life into a fully-positive experience. But not saying NO proved to be difficult especially when people asked me for donations, to buy their crappy TV-advertised products, and to attend star-studded coronations with them while wearing my 1989 Dukes of Hazzard Boss Hogg Halloween costume.

I’ve never forgotten 2000’s New Year’s Resolution to eat an egg a day in an attempt to make the world laugh. The problem, of course, stemmed from the fact that I could never eat an egg in full-sight of the entire world, and my cholesterol jumped higher than a dope-fiend on New Year’s Eve. Daily eggs would have to take a backseat to other more mainstream pursuits.

And then, there was 2002’s New Year’s Resolution to become super. Superheroes were the order of the day, inspiring thousands to go after their goals and their dreams. Instead of making silly resolutions to accomplish my own, what better thing to do than to become super and inspire others to go after their dreams? But being “super” was tough, and just telling people in everyday conversation that “I am super, didntcha know?” didn’t seem to inspire thousands (nay hundreds) to go after their dreams.

Oh, and 2004’s? What was going to be a resolution to learn to play the bones of a dead pirate and introduce it to the music world as the next best thing to the electric guitar and another resolution to become the ‘human juicer’ (whatever that might have meant) have now been replaced by simpler things. By more attainable things. By normal-er things.

This year, my resolution will be to post about failed resolutions in an attempt to get others to not waste their time which I have, all at once, right this minute…already accomplished.

Phew.

Now I’ve got the rest of the year to do whatever I want, and not have to worry about those pesky New Year’s Resolutions.

And it’s a good thang.

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