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  • Paul Davidson

10 Things I Hate About You That Are A Result Of You Wearing A Top Hat

“Hate” may be a strong word, but it works perfectly in this situation.

First of all, you have got to stop wearing that top hat of yours. People do not wear top hats anymore unless they are starring as a local English professor or Scotland Yard investigator at your weekend murder mystery dinner party. You are neither. Yet you continue to wear your top hat and say things like, “Good day to you” and “Cheers!” as you tip your hat to passerbys. This is unacceptable and drives me crazy.

Secondly, I urge you to stop using the phrase, “Just a fortnight ago…” This is, of course, used in conjunction with your top hat, caused people to question what you are talking about. Even worse is the fact that you have no idea what “Just a fortnight ago” actually means. You think it has something to do with the other night, when you built a fort out of couch cushions. In reality, it is two weeks ago. Someday, maybe you’ll learn.

Thirdly, you cannot tap dance. You think you can tap dance because you have (a) seen Fred Astaire movies, (b) have tap shoes, and (c) are wearing a top hat. However, no one at these parties we go to are interested in seeing someone tap dance on carpeting. For one, they cannot hear you tapping. For two, tap dancing is no longer a popular interactive party activity. And three – you cannot tap dance.

Fourthly, you are not a magician. I know that you have taped one of those magician’s flowers in the base of your top hat when you wear it to my house and I know that when you announce you’re going to do a magic trick and then you take off your hat and, voila! out comes a fake flower — I know that you do not have a bottomless trick top hat, but in fact you have just shoved a fake flower in the base. And secretly, I fear that you will someday try to stuff a live rabbit down there and for the sake of the animals, I do not care to see such violent acts.

Fifthly, growing one of those twisty long moustaches is not you. I wish you would stop trying to grow one. As it stands now, you have to use a black magic marker to fill it in because your hair does not grow fast enough to facilitate the long twisty barbershop moustache you want. Leaving it in its current half-assed half-grown state, it makes you look unkempt and dirty. I have a wonderful little tool I use called a razor which you must use ASAP or face the consequences.

Sixthly, Top Gun has nothing to do with your top hat. You run around saying things like, “I have the need for speeeeeed,” and “Where’s Goose?” You do so as you run around parties patting people on their backs, while wearing a t-shirt, jeans and yes, your top hat. These things do not go together. Remember those old Sesame Street segments that ask which one does not belong? You, your top hat, and your Top Gun line-readings definitely do not.

Seventhly, you are not an old-school Hollywood leading man who can get any girl he wants. Just because you are wearing a top hat does not mean that you are the reincarnated version of Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.. Hell, nobody even knows anymore who Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. is, even though he was one of the classic black & white romantic film leads. But if I can put it into perspective for you — Adam Sandler has never worn a top hat. So, neither should you.

Eighthly, top hats do not mean that you should get free meals wherever you go. You are like a grown-up modern day version of Oliver! with your top hat. “Thank you sir, may I have another Denny’s Grandslam” you will say. “For free, dear sir, as I do not have any more gold pieces in my leather satchel,” you say. With a tip top pat on your tip top hat, you try to charm waitresses who toil each and every day. And you never learn. You never get free meals but you do get free advice — “no free meals no matter what kind of top hat and bad accent you sport.” Yet you still try on a daily basis. It is, in my opinion, a waste of time. And embarrassing.

Ninethly, you did not create the animated-TV series Top Cat: the show about a cat who wears a purple top hat and creates havoc and chaos around the city while retaining his slick, romantic style. The show is not based on your life simply because when the show came out you were still in elementary school. You were not old enough to be involved, yet you site the story about how you wore a top hat as a child, you convinced your father Hannah Barbara (which is two people, not one) to make the show, and that Top Cat’s personality is based on your childhood and that you now try to embody all the classic qualities of that cat in your day to day life. It is so obvious that you were not an animated cat as a child, and I know this fact as do all your friends. So, c’mon now. Stop it!

Tenthly, and finally — I hate that you do not let anyone try on your top hat. You site reasons like dandruff and make subtle personal attacks on people by suggesting their heads are too big to fit inside. But in reality, it is because you know that if I get my hands on your top hat, that I will pretend to be an Scotland Yard investigator better, use lexicon like “just a fortnight ago” more intelligently, tap dance like the best of them, pull rabbits out of my hat more skillfully, grow a twisty-long moustache that all will envy, reference Top Gun at parties with style, get any girl I want, get free meals at will, legitimately create a TV show based on my current lifestyle without any smoke and mirrors and, generally, basically, not piss people off while wearing a Top Hat all at once.

I could do it. You can’t. So please, take these 10 pieces of constructive criticism to heart. Adjust your current lifestyle. Tweak your latest attitude. And above all — take off the damn hat.

Don’t you think it’s about time?

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