I’m Not Leaving The Time I Called On Your Answering Machine

Unless you’re trying to solve a murder case in which I am involved, where I took the time to call and leave a message on your answering machine right before I dumped the bodies and flew to Alaska (ironically, which I was under the impression was out of the United States jurisdiction), there’s truly no reason for the time I called to be important.

In fact, even if I wasn’t involved in a murder (which I’m not) and you’re not involved in solving a case (which you’re not, unless you’re doing that home detective thing that Oliver in The Brady Bunch once did…which would also mean you’re jumping the shark), then…

I’m not leaving the time I called on your answering machine. Plain and simple.

Apparently You Don’t Care That I Am Interested In Your Cornish Game Hens

So I stood there. Waiting for my roast beef sandwich to be prepared by the clerk behind the counter.

And you stood over there. Ovah there, behind the bread bowls and dehydrated pineapple rings. Talking to someone you’d known for years. Telling them that tomorrow night when the kids went to sleep you’d be breaking out those kick-ass cornish game hens. You described them with such drippy adjectives, that I just had to say, “sounds good.”

But apparently you don’t care that I am interested in your cornish game hens.

I Am Officially Banning Things

Today I would like to officially ban a list of things that must be removed from the world immediately. They include:

  • Olives stuffed with feta cheese
  • Bumper stickers that brag about your children’s insignificant accolades
  • Any and all Leapfrog sub-par children’s electronic products
  • Pomegranates
  • Ships in glass bottles
  • Centimeters…as a measurement. (Who needs ’em!?)
  • VHS copies of the 80’s film My Tutor
  • Corey Feldman

Thank you for your time.

Insert Shameless Plug For Travel Blog Here

You know me.

I never plug anything, which must mean that when I do plug something it’s either because (a) someone is paying me to do so, (b) the voices told me to do so, or (c) the voices are telling me if I plug something someone is bound to pay me.

So without further adieu I ask you wholeheartedly to check out Travels with Two — a travel blog written by my close friend/voice/payroll coordinator. If you like the blog, vote for it here. If you don’t, then may Doc Hudson have mercy on your soul.

Yes. I have kids now. Cars informs everything I do now.