Unconscious Pummeling

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look into the mirror and wonder to yourself, “Did somebody beat the crap out of me while I was sleeping?”

I do.

Scientists are always saying how when the human body is asleep that the brain detaches itself from ones’ motor functions so that while you’re dreaming (and if you’re dreaming that you’re running down a street) your physical body doesn’t match that action. Scientists also talk about REM sleep and how once you’re down for the count, you are OUT for the night.

Is it possible that while we’re sleeping, we’re so unconscious that a group of local hoodlums could make their way into my bedroom, try to wriggle me awake and then when they realized that there was nothing in the world that would stir me from my sleep, they began to beat the crap out of me with tire irons, rubber hoses and some of those wooden (hand-simulated) back scratching things?

Why else do I have red lines on my face? Why else is my left eye so puffy that you’d think I was in a bar-room brawl? Why does my nose look like it was pushed up towards my forehead?

Non-scientists and facialists have said that by sleeping face-down in your pillow, that this is the cause of “puffy-face morning syndrome.” I don’t buy that for a second. How does laying your face gingerly into a soft, goose-down or synthetic pillow that is both soft to the touch and comfy and all-enveloping — how does that cause your face to look beat-up?

I plan on turning on my alarm system’s motion control this evening to see just who is coming into my bedroom at night and beating the crap out of me.

Because, for God’s sake — it’s gotta stop.