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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Thoughts on Fake Plastic Lemons

I am a big fan of fake fruit.

Go into any Pottery Barn store and you can find them. Stuck in big vases and on the edges of huge wooden dinner tables. There are apples and pears and pomegranates and lemons. They are fake, plastic and smell like the real thing. And for all those people out there battling weight issues — totally devoid of any calories whatsoever.

I’m not necessarily suggesting you go out and eat plastic fruit if you are trying to lose weight. No way, sir. I’m simply fascinated by fake fruit. For the life of me, I have never stolen or purchased a piece of fake fruit and cut them open to see just what non-calorie substance was hidden inside. (Much like the time I took apart a baseball to find at the center of the tightly wrapped string was a little rubber ball.)

I’ve squeezed fake plastic fruit much like I’ve squeezed real fruit and can tell you that the main difference is that real fruit has soft spots (like little babies’ heads after they’re born) whereas fake fruit is pretty uniformly soft/solid throughout. Fake plastic fruit has enough give when you put pressure on it’s skin, but is solid enough that if you were trying to catch an elevator and happened to have a bag filled with fake plastic fruit, you could probably stick a lemon or canteloupe in between the two doors and it would stay open long enough to let you and/or your friends inside.

I think, possibly, there’s some kind of mixture of paper and plastic on the inside of fake plastic fruit. That and a spray of fruit-scent to give the faux-fruit it’s own unique flavor.

Fake Plastic Fruit is a big business. Bigger than the Fake Plastic Plant, Fake Plastic Candle and Fake Plastic Mini Japanese Karate Kid, Parts 1 2 and 3 Tree industries, and I’m glad about that. Because if there’s going to be a fake plastic anything succeeding more than anything else — it might as well be fruit.

Cause, well, you know — fruit is the lifeblood of our Fake Plastic Earth.

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