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  • Paul Davidson

Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses

You’d think that when someone was at the gym (yes, actually there after waking up and battling fatigue and cold and motivational issues) and actually stepping away on one of those elliptical machines, that thoughts would turn to the beat of the music or the day’s events or the news on the TV screen.

But alas, it does not.

Instead, I find myself trying to come up with a variety of excuses for why I have already exceeded the 20 minute elliptical limit that has been set forth by the phantom “owners” of said establishment. For if someone were to stand behind my rising and falling body and if they were to spy that I had already been on said machine for more than the 20 minute elliptical limit, well then, they’re probably going to come up and ask me one of the following questions…

You almost done? You wrapping it up? How long do you have left? You know the 20 minute rule, right? Why must you be so inconsiderate? Ahemmmmmm!

…well, that would simply stress me out and cause me to never actually meet my personal goal of 50 minutes on the elliptical machine.

Basically, YOU (phantom 20 minute elliptical rule enforcer), are ruining my life and my motivation. And as a result of this, I must continually think up excuses for why I am still on said machine past 20 minutes in case you decide to disrupt my “stride.”

I just got on, just didn’t reset the last person’s counter-clock. That’s weird! This machine must be messed up! [Cover time with towel, blocking timer.] Sorry, no speaka ingleis. What!? I can’t hear you! I’ve got headphones on!

Them: You ALMOST DONE!? Me: Yes, I’m having fun. Thanks! Them: NO! Are you wrapping it up!? Me: No, no cup. I prefer to drink out of the water fountain. Them: You know the 20 minute rule? Me: No, they don’t have a pool. Just a sauna.

But even worse than the vocal 20 minute rule enforcer elliptical police force commanders, are the lurking quiet 20 minute elliptical guilt-crews. Wherest they find you exceeding 20 minutes, they will sit or stand behind you — periodically letting out SIGHS so loud that it sounds like there’s a gas leak somewhere. Just waiting. Sitting. Ruining my damn rhythm. And if you’ve don’t got rhythm on an elliptical machine — you’re just plain screwed.


(Did you ever notice that if someone typed SCREW-ED with a hyphen there in the middle it could actually mean, “Screw the Editor” instead of just plain “screwed?” Yeah, I know. Weiiiird.)

But I digress.

My thoughts today on elliptical machine excuses will now conclude with a variety of phrases I wanted to use in this post but that didn’t seem to work for it. These are free for you to use in your blog posts as long as when you use them you provide a link (on the word itself) to this post:

Gripping the quid Cacklebush Grissling the bulb Changemonger Caramel Dreams Instantaneous Chestpump Little Miss Buggery Jones

Thank you. Thank you very much.

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