Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice

You may or may not have heard yet about the debacle on SNL this past weekend when singer Ashlee Simpson (sister of Jessica) was caught lip-synching to her songs when the “sound-people” accidentally played the wrong studio-engineered track. Although Ashlee sadly blamed it on “her band playing the wrong song” it was in fact the result of a lip-synch cover-up.

WFME was lucky enough to get a few minutes with Ashlee Simpson’s singing voice (via telephone), who was already distancing herself from the situation for fear of being involved in another Milli Vanilli nightmare.

Me: Hi, Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice.

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Hi, Paul. Thanks for having me here.

Me: Quite a debacle on Saturday Night at SNL. What happened?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Well, seeing as though I wasn’t there it’s hard for me to tell.

Me: You weren’t there?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Duh! Why else did you think that girl was set up to lip synch? She had NO VOICE.

Me: SNL was a big get for Ashlee. A huge career making appearance. And you just never showed up?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Exactly. Someone needed to teach that tart a lesson.

Me: A little harsh, don’t you think?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Harsh? How about this for harsh… A girl who uses you, endlessly, to make herself richer, without ever really taking care of you. Never offering to give you a slice of lemon… A cup of tea… A losenge. When you don’t take care of your moneymaker, you don’t make money, Paul.

Me: So, she ignored you is what you’re saying?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Took advantage of me. Used me. Ignored me when I needed her. It was a one-sided relationship and I decided to teach her a lesson.

Me: So, now what? Where do you go from here?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Oh, I’ll eventually go back to her. When I’m good and ready. But not unless there’s a 24 pack of losenges waiting for me. Halls. Mentho-Lyptus. The kind that make your nose feel like you stuffed a double-pack of Peppermint Patties up there.

Me: Is that all it would take? Mentho-Lyptus and some tea?

(At this point, Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice began to sniffle and cry over the phone.)

Me: Are you okay, Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Yeah, yes. Uh huh. It just hit me. It just totally hit me.

Me: What did?

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: That all I ever needed or wanted was some tea. A damn hot cup of tea. And she just never gave it to me. Sometimes it’s so tragic how simple a Singing Voice’s wants and needs can be. Sometimes it’s even more tragic how said Singing Voice’s owner never clues into that fact.

Me: Yeah. Yeah.

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Yeah.

(A long big of silence, then-)

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Yeah.

Me: Yup.

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Okay.

Me: Ok.

Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice: Yeah, bye.

Me: Bye.