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  • Paul Davidson

Today, I Have Nothing to Say

It is rare, especially among those who know me. But today, I Have Nothing To Say.

I will not tell you about how I think there’s a Chex conspiracy — why else would someone create a perfect Corn Chex only to overshadow it with Rice and Wheat Chex?

I will not tell you the story about how my alarm clock went off and continued to go off because both my arms were fast asleep under my pillow… And I will definitely not tell you about how I smashed my head against my right arm to wake it up, then used my right arm to drop my dead left arm on my alarm clock causing pain, a small cut, and a broken clock. This I will not lay out to you on this Thursday.

I will not talk about my weekly obsession with all things “velcro”. I will not wonder aloud what next random invention will make someone other than me a rich man. I will definitely not imagine what the mansion of the guy who created those highway bump thingies looks like. I will, 100% for sure, not tell you that I think he’s probably got his first highway dot, reflectors and all, framed over his mantle.

I will not ask you to say “Unique New York” five times fast without messing up.

I will not detail my very public argument with the guy who Valet parked my car and stole all the quarters from the ash tray who said something like, “No I didn’t take your quarters there were no quarters in there when you gave me the car,” and I said something like, “Yeah, right what you don’t know is that I checked before I dropped it off with you and there was like two bucks in quarters in there and now they’re gone and boy I wonder who took them,” and how he responed with something like, “You are insane and I hate your car so go away and never come back,” and then as he walked away a bunch of quarters dropped from his pocket.

I will not use the word “suppository” today. I will not speak the word “supposedly” today. And I will definitely not spell the word “supplement” today. I will not tell you that the reason has something to do with the fact that they all include the letters “s, u, p, p” which make me think of “supper” which I can’t comprehend because I’m getting home so late these days from the TV job that I eat a sandwich or cereal instead of a steak or a salad — and that just isn’t dinner to me.

These things I will not tell you.

Unless you ask.

In other news — tomorrow is our third edition of Words For Your Enjoyment! E-mail your article suggestions before Friday AM.

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