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This Week’s Useless Kitchen Item That Doesn’t Work

This, is a citrus trumpet. (Lime, not included.)

Williams-Sonoma writes: Extract just the amount of citrus juice you need, without slicing the fruit. Simply twist this tool into a lime or lemon and squeeze—seeds are strained automatically, and the juice flows freely through the tube. You can store the fruit in the refrigerator (with the trumpet still in place) until juice is needed again. Made of nonreactive stainless steel, the trumpet is dishwasher safe.

Let me first tell you that I am a huuuuuuuge juice guy. I love juice. I have had debates over pulp that no one can imagine. My belief is that if you drink a full glass of full-pulp orange juice, you’re pretty much eating a meal. It’s not a drink, it’s a meal!

So you can imagine my extreme excitement upon realizing that there was a musical tool I could find in my local Williams-Sonoma that could also double as a six-dollar juicer! I could play taps, and eat juice. I could play along with my Ken Burns’ documentary on Jazz and suck down a glass of lemonade. I could tell someone to “screw the trumpet” and they wouldn’t really, hopefully not, think I was speaking badly towards them.

As a guy who doesn’t cook and hasn’t cooked and can’t do much cooking except for one recipe that involves eggs and a hot pan, I had to make sure there were no other attachments needed.

Williams Sonoma Clerk: No, that’s it. You’ve got everything you need.

Me: Wait a sec. Wait one second here. What you’re telling me is that by purchasing this six dollar kitchen tool I can have my own fresh-squeezed orange juice, lemon juice or lime juice…with or without pulp for the entire rest of my life?

Williams Sonoma Clerk: Why yes, sir. That is totally true. Can you believe it?

(Cue clapping audience here, who has been paid $20 to be enthusiastic.)

Nevertheless, I purchased the silver-plated, end all be all of mini (no moving parts) juicers and took it home with a bag of oranges. Excitement levels were at an all time high. I made sure I consulted the instructions first (there weren’t any) and screwed that silver trumpet into one end of my orange.

I turned it upside down, and waited. And waited and waited and waited and waited.

Quick recap: …Simply twist this tool into a lime or lemon and squeeze—seeds are strained automatically, and the juice flows freely through the tube.

I was getting nothing. Nada. Maybe I needed to help the orange along, much like how those milking cows had to, you know, pull a little for the milk. So, I squeezed.

Nothing.

I slammed the orange against the counter. Slammed it in a drawer. Used a rolling pin to try and flatten it. Punched it, pulled it, tossed it and threw it. My beloved trumpet was making no music or juice.

When I pulled out the “end all be all of juicers” from the orange, a few drops of juice emerged along with a sliver or two of pulp. I tasted it. Not bad. Not bad at all. At this rate, I figured, I could have half a glass in about twenty-three hours. A little elbow grease, a little determination and some real-strict goal setting and I would have my sustenance before the sun had set.

If the hunter gatherers could do it, so could I.

Had my trumpet cost me more than six bucks, it would have been returned by now due to the very simple fact that these things do not work. Thumb-sling, sure. Pinky-protector, OK. A nice addition to those phat rims on your car, oh yeah.

Juicer? No way in Hell.

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