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The Ambiguousness of “How Now, Brown Cow?”

Seriously…how? And why now?

The questions, of course, plague me on a daily basis. Just how and why now is just scratching the surface. I mean, how what? And why now, what? What the hell has this brown cow done and why do we care how he did it or why he’s doing it right this minute?

I’ve tried to break down a few of the situations that, I believe, will help society finally wrestle the mystery of the “how now, brown cow” scenario down to the ground where it will be humiliated and vilified and taught a drastic lesson that will help us (society) learn just what the damn brown cow was doing, why he was doing it now, and how to keep him from ever doing it again:

Scenario #1 A brown cow loses all its limbs in a tragic farming accident. Yet one evening, the farmer and his wife come out to see that the brown cow has set up one of those flat cardboard box/break-dancing spaces near the cornfield…and is break-dancing.

Farmer: How now, brown cow?

Which makes total sense, because first of all, how the hell does a cow with no limbs really get into break dancing, and why now (in this day and age) when break-dancing is merely a fad of days gone by? Legitimacy Factor: 7 out of 10

Scenario #2 A family of cows find their patriarch — the father cow, drinking milk out of his daughter’s udder during the local county’s milk shortage.

Mother Cow: How now, brown cow?

Which makes sense, although it’s a sad situation — because really, how could a father cow drink the milk of his daughter and do so during a county-wide milk shortage? It’s insensitive, sick, and just plain wrong. Legitimacy Factor: 5 out of 10

Scenario #3 An overweight woman taking part in a Dateline NBC weight loss segment has been challenged by Stone Phillips to lose 50 lbs. over the course of six months. On the eve of the reveal for the show, Stone Phillips finds the overweight woman has not lost 50 lbs. but gained 100 lbs. And on top of it all, when she meets with Stone, she’s eating out of a tub of ice cream.

Stone Phillips: How now, brown cow?

It’s a sad sad state of affairs, and Stone Phillips undercover Dateline piece is screwed. Legitimacy Factor: 2 out of 10

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