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  • Paul Davidson

Television Murders and the “<i>Can You Speak Slower, Please?</i>” Debacle

I saw it last night on TV. And so have you.

A detective’s cell rings while he’s walking in some sparse, un-populated area (cause it costs less to have less extras). He has to stop his conversation with his friend (walking alongside him) to take the call:

Detective: Hello!?

We quickly switch to a shot of a woman, a damsel in distress — she’s barricaded herself in a room and someone is hammering away at the door.

Woman: Bill! My god. He’s here, trying to get in! You’ve got to help me! Please!?

Detective: Emily, is that you?

Woman: YES, it’s me! I don’t have much time! You’ve got to come now!

Detective: You’re going to have to slow down, Emily. You’re talking waaay too fast. I don’t understand what you’re saying!

(Although everyone at home, does.)

Woman: Bill. He’s broken through the door… He’s —

At that point, we switch back to our fearless but inner-ear problemed Detective… The phone call has gone dead. I always imagine the next five minutes (which we never see) when our Detective finishes talking to his friend…

Friend: Who was that?

Detective: Emily. I think.

Friend: You think?

Detective: Yeah, it sounded like her but I’m not 100 percent sure. She was speaking waaaaay too fast. It was hard to understand what she was saying…

Friend: Emily? She’s the one you assigned those officers to? To watch her place in case her ex-husband came after her?

Detective: Yeah, yeah. She just was speaking way too fast. Something about having to pay a bill. Or the bill was at the door. Or, she wanted me to come over to help her pay her bills. What am I, her own personal CPA?

Friend: Seriously. That’s crossing the line.

Detective: Yeah, you’re telling me. Hmph, anyway. Where were we?

Friend: You were saying that you hate those cheese-filled hot dogs…

Detective: Ugh. Don’t get me started, buddy…

In other news — I have recently visited the local drug store’s Easter aisle and can confidently say that I am on a sugar high that has rendered my left arm and leg useless.

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