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  • Paul Davidson

My Own Numerology

I am a sucker for horoscopes.

I am also a sucker for fortune cookies, those little prizes from quarter machines that give you little plastic action figures, bio-rhythms, astrological scrolls that you find at the supermarket check out counter, those ladies on those 900 numbers who tell you your future, palm readers, alien abductions (which is unrelated) and numerology.

But recently, I started to develop my own form of numerology which has surpassed the normal numerology I have read about and tried in my spare time. The Pauly D Numerology Prediction System To A Healthier and More Successful Life will allow you to simply find out where you are going, what your future will be like and the type of person you are. Just follow the below instructions, and begin living the life you were meant to! Step #1: Take the year you were born and add all the numbers up one at a time, subtracting the last of the four numbers. (For example, 1971 would be 1 + 9 = 10 + 7 = 17 – 1 = 16.)

Step #2: Take the two digit number you came up with and add those two together. (For example: 16, 1 + 6 = 7.)

Step #3: Take that single digit number and subtract a number based on the following chart:

a. If you are a man, subtract 3. b. If you are a female, subtract 2. c. If you are missing a limb (leg or arm), ignore the previous two and subtract 1. d. If you are bald, ignore the first three and subtract 4. e. If you are bald, missing a limb and attracted to same sex partners, ignore the previous four and subtract 0. f. If you have ever eaten something out of a friend’s garbage, ignore the previous 5 and add 1. g. If you ever used the phrase, “dang those coppers”, ignore the previous 6 and add 2. h. If you like anchovies but only on cold pizza, ignore the previous 7 and add 3. i. If you find that you eat to the point of getting a stomach ache and you also like anchovies but only on cold pizza and you have NEVER eaten out of a friend’s garbage, ignore the previous 8 and add 4.

OK. Moving on.

Step #4: If you did not end up with a number between 1 and 10, you don’t have much time left and should seriously call all your family and tell them you love them. If you had trouble adding or subtracting and are confused, you also don’t have much more time left in this competitive and challenging world and should seriously call all your family and tell them you’re sorry. If you do have a number between 1 and 10, proceed.

Step #5: Based on your number, pick as many words below that describe you (or that you WANT to describe yourself). (For example, if your number is 5, pick five words from the ones below.)

attractive intelligent admired totally buff and cut a loyal friend annoying jealous ugly back-stabbing having a cold, dark heart of evil

Step #6: Use those words your picked to describe yourself in a sentence for all to see. This is who you are, and this will shape your future. Good luck to everyone. I hope things work out when you use The Pauly D Numerology Prediction System To A Healthier and More Successful Life!

I know it worked for me…and I’m the President of the Numerology club!

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