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Larry King Interviews Me: The Lost Interview

Transcript provided by CNN.

Larry King Interviews Paul Davidson* Original Date: August 10, 2004

Larry King: He’s someone you may have heard of. Then again, he’s someone you may never have heard of. Did I mention he’s someone I hadn’t heard of until my Producers suggested I do some research so when others asked me if I knew of him I could say that I did know of him and had heard of him? Well, it’s all a moot point now as he’s sitting across from me here in my Los Angeles studio. Welcome, Paul.

Me: Great to be here, Larry. You know, you look like a human bug. Has anyone ever told you that?

Larry King: Some unsavory magazines have written that, yes.

Me: Well, they’re right. I mean, until I got up this close I was on the fence. But now that we’re face to face, I can confidently say…you look like a bug.

Larry King: Thanks, Paul.

Me: No problem, Larry. More like a grasshopper than an ant or a slug. The spectacles sort of make your eyes bug out even more, so if you were to let’s say, get contacts… Then you might not look like a grasshopper – you may look like a water slug or something. But with the glasses, definitely a grasshopper or a beetle.

Larry King: Really.

Me: Yeah. I mean, it’s not like there’s anything wrong with people telling you look like a bug. People are freaked out about spiders and you know what? Without spiders, this planet would be overrun with bugs and vermin the likes of which no one has ever seen. There’d be swarms of undesireable bugs everywhere. But thanks to the spider and their web, they do the tough work for us. They kill the bugs we don’t want to have to deal with on our own. That’s pretty great. So, if people tell you that you look like a bug, I think that you shouldn’t get upset by that but instead should stand tall and tell people that without you looking like a bug, well, maybe the world would be overrun with problems. See what I’m getting at?

Larry King: Yes, I think so.

Me: And listen. You’ve had like, what, five wives already?

Larry King: Something like that, yes.

Me: How many of those people out there who say you look like a bug have actually had the opportunity to marry five awesome looking, younger wives? Probably none of them. If you sit down, look in the mirror, agree that you look like a bug and then think about all the people who say you look like a bug, the conclusion I’d come to is that people are jealous. Nobody calls someone a bug if they’re not jealous of them. So, big deal. You look like a bug. You’ve got a great studio here. Normal everyday bugs don’t have their own studios. They have dirt caves and webs hanging above public restrooms. You’re living the high life, my friend.

Larry King: I never thought about it that way.

Me: See. Bug is good.

* The above interview was never aired but is available in its complete form at CNN.

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