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  • Paul Davidson

If I Was Tom Cruise, Looking In A Mirror

I’ve suddenly woken up in the body of Tom Cruise. And I’m looking into my bathroom mirror.

Me (Tom Cruise): Hi. Helllllooooo. Hey there. What’s up! Heeeyyyy YOU!

I feel my face. Slap it a few times. Flex my muscles.

Me (Tom Cruise): Show me the money! No, wait. Not that. Help ME, help YOU! Help ME, help YOU!

Me (Tom Cruise): Am I gay? Are YOU gay? Am I gay. I’m not gay. I’m me. And I know that in being me, I’m not gay. Not gay. Not gonna do it. No sir, no way.

Me (Tom Cruise): Woooooooo hooooooooooo! Watch out, Iceman!

Me (Tom Cruise): Hi. I’m Tom Cruise. Yes, that’s right. THE, Tom Cruise. Well, don’t I look like Tom Cruise? Of course I do. That’s cause I am Tom Cruise. What? What did you say to me? Oh. Yes, we broke up. Of course the Cruise was good in bed with the Cruz. See? I’m not gay. I told you.

Me (Tom Cruise): Hahahahahahahaha. HA HA HA. Boo! Tee hee.

Me (Tom Cruise): Do you know Paul Davidson, Mr. Cruise? Well, of course I do. The writer? Right. Excellent writer. I wish he’d rewritten Cocktail before I did that stinker of a movie. What? Well sure Elizabeth Shue was great to work with. Yes. Yes! I did all my bartending stunts myself. Oh, thanks!

Me (Tom Cruise): I don’t want to talk about Scientology. Not here, in my bathroom. Maybe out in the living room later. We can watch Battelfield Earth together. Great flick.

Me (Tom Cruise): No, I don’t like carrots.

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