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  • Paul Davidson

If I Ran an Evil Intergalactic Spaceship

Let me first begin by telling you I am a huge supporter of health benefits. That you should know. I support dental plans, health plans and PPO plans for you and your family. So, in case a bunch of rebel fighters ran their huge transport into the bridge and killed some of your husbands or wives who happened to be doing mindless tracking work at computer terminals – well, you’d all be taken care of.

Now, let’s get on with it.

I think the media has done a disservice to evil characters (in movies) who happen to command and/or run some kind of huge monolithic evil intergalactic spaceship/space cruiser. Usually, they’re obsessed with universal domination and destroying planets and other puny good-doers who want nothing more than to destroy them and their plans. But you have to believe that these same evil characters also have to make distinct policy decisions about how their ship runs. So, I got to thinking about that, and about the same time I came up with an idea for a great Day Care program on my evil intergalactic ship, I realized that I would be a damn good commander of said ship.

I wouldn’t just go with the Day Care thing, I’d go further to ensure my employees were happy and content. Job security would not be an issue. I would have everyone go through a sort-of initiation ceremony when they accepted a job on my ship, in which I would have them sign a contract that ensured them that I would never fire them. Never at all. Not even out of a laser cannon or something. They would have the job until they retired or got disintegrated by some kind of laser blast. (Although, I’d ban laser blasts inside the ship, so maybe that would help save a few lives…)

I’m also a big proponent of feeding my workers. Just like Dreamworks SKG does for its employees, I would make sure that our cafeteria served free meals to my staff for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus, I don’t know that anyone’s ever thought about this – but they’re in SPACE for god’s sake. Where are they going to go run out and get food anyway? We have to provide food for them. This is a no-brainer. There can be no discussion on this with other lowly Lieutenants and Captains. Food for free. I stand by this decision.

Socializing is important as well. Now, I’m not going to go crazy here and open up a bunch of bars or anything progressive like that, but I will start up my own version of Match.com on the ship. Since everyone on my ship will wear dark helmets (which are intimidating) that will block anyone’s view of their facial features, I will coordinate special Speed Dating Lunches where each department’s staff will remove their helmets while quickly talking to another de-helmeted opposite-gender employee over the course of 7 minutes. This will give my people time to get to know each other and maybe find a mate.

Most important to me, is exercise. A fat, overweight technician or evil security force member is worth nothing to me if they’re huffing and puffing. So I propose that we build a track on whichever level of the ship is just being used for storage (currently), and add some robotic trainers up there, too. And just since I’m a big fan of the sport, I will require everyone to learn how to pole vault. You never know when it’ll come in handy.

Mind you, I have a lot more ideas in the works but until I have worked out the kinks, will refrain from detailing them out for you here and now. Just know that I am dedicated to making the experience aboard my evil intergalactic ship a pleasant and happy one… At least, of course, until we (god forbid) get blown up in a battle of wills at the edge of the galaxy.

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