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  • Paul Davidson

I Know The Science Behind Opening Jars

Just because I opted to take Geology instead of (the more complicated) Chemistry, has no bearing on whether or not I know the science behind opening jars.

If I had a million dollars for every time some girl with weak wrists handed me a jar of peanut butter or a jar of pickles and bulged out her eyes as if to say can you puh-leeze open this jar for me “mr. you can punch me in the stomach as hard as you want”, I would be at least a double-millionaire. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I look like I have bulging, strong wrists. It’s more based on the fact that a long long time ago when I was hanging out with a group of friends, I boasted about my knowledge of opening up stuck jar lids.

You know the story. Cold water contracts, while warm water expands. So, if you want to loosen a jar top then just put that baby under a cold water source and dry it off and try your hand at the jar lid. Warm water, my friends, works about as good as using a jar of Jello to open it up.

Needless to say, after that one night in which I laid out the exact knowledge I had about opening jar lids that were stuck, I sort of became a local Billie Jean. You remember the movie? The Legend of Billie Jean? In which a woman who stood up for good ended up becoming the idol of teenagers everywhere in a world that only movies could create?

You can call me Paulie D-Jean.

Cold water contracting is a simple little bullet point of knowledge, of course. But it’s not the full solution to opening up a jar of bread and butter pickle slices or olives. There is a wrist movement that I have coined “wrist-a-twist”, combined with a stance that requires one foot in front and one foot behind “the line” which works in tandem with Equation 45H as postulated by one Harrison Begly (Harvard U., 1975). Begly’s equation states that the amount of force combined with the amount of desire divided by X, which equals the amount of hunger and multiplied by the amount of attractive women standing by, watching to see how strong you are — it all plays into whether or not you can open the jar.

Mind you, opening jars is not a gender specific talent. I am well aware of this fact and would never, ever in my life, allude to the fact that only men are talented in this area. No way, buddy. Not at all. I simply can only attest to my knowledge of the science behind opening jars and leave the rest up for discussion.

And that, is the God’s honest truth.

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