I Have Mastered Spooning
I have finally mastered the art of spooning.
In the past there’s been many times where people came right out in public places and challenged me on this fact. They wondered, aloud, if I would ever be good at spooning. Did I have the right disposition? Was I up for it? Did I have the stamina? Was my heart really, fully into the dedication that would be required for mastering such a talent?
I stood and took the questioning. The mocking. The magnifying glass held just above my head. People asked my family, friends and romantic involvements. Would Pauly D ever be a successful spooner?
Then came the airing of the 1978 Fall Edition of Battle of the Network Stars on the Trio Network. For those who don’t know, the Trio network airs old television shows and pilots that never made it to TV. But this one instance, in particular, was important to me in one major way. The Fall Edition of Battle of the Network Stars included an event that put embarassed celebrities together and asked them to spoon.
Finally, using my TiVo and an old, re-aired classic television program I would be able to learn and master the art of spooning. And I did.
First and foremost, the intregal part in mastering spooning is your stance. You’ve got to keep your arms and legs in certain positions or everything’s going to fall apart. You’ve got to be nubile and flexible. You’ve got to always be aware of where you’re sliding your feet, knees, arms and torso. This all plays a part in spooning.
Secondly, your partner is key. If your partner is really tall and you’re really short, it’s going to make the back and forth cooperative play of spooning much tougher on the two of you. You have to, for all intensive purposes, size eachother up and be vocal about the differences between the two of you.
Thirdly – the type of spoon you use is key. Most of the time you’ll be provided one by the people running the game, but mostly you’ll be asked to bring your own. Silver is always key – something with a strong handle. Since in all version of spooning, you’ll be challenged to balance an egg on the spoon then walk with your partner (your legs are obviously tied together like the three-legged race) in a measured rhythm that will not displace the egg from its seat in your spoon. Because as we all know with spooning, if you drop the egg and it cracks, it’s all over. You’ve lost the game.
Since the airing of the show on TRIO, I have walked around my house for hours with the spoon in my right hand and left hand. I have used hard-boiled eggs and raw eggs. I have climbed the stairs at a blindingly-fast rate and have never, ever dropped an egg.
As far as I’m concerned, I think that makes me a master in the art of spooning.