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I Can Discuss Football Like I Actually Know What I’m Talking About

“Holy crap, did you just see that play!?”

Yes. I’m amazing, I know. For a guy who could (honestly) care less about Professional Football, College Football or Sportscenter I can sit there right next to you with a handful of chips in one hand and the remote in the other and hit REPLAY on my TiVo over and over again to show you the amazing interception that just occurred.

“That’s got to be one of the most amazing interceptions I’ve seen in 10 months!”

In reality, it’s probably the only interception I’ve seen in 10 months.

Armed with an ability to take one viewed replay on the Nightly News or hear someone talking about a play they’ve just witnessed, I can discuss football like I actually know what I’m talking about. Armed with the skill to hear one player’s name mentioned in passing — I can talk to you about their amazing career, their kick ass season and if I am really hopped up on some kind of sugar — their stats. I can convince you I know everything about a team and about the game and spout opinions about the current state of the NFL without ever having watched a full game in my entire life.

I can do it. I swear.

It’s not that I don’t like football and it’s not that I don’t find it to be an exciting sport. It’s that embarking upon a life where I know what I’m talking about about the game requires time. A lot of time. And when push comes to shove and I have to decide if I prefer to know everything about the game or everything about the mating habits of the Austrian Sleestack – you can imagine which one I’m more interested in.

Oh, I can discuss football like I actually know what I’m talking about, and you (yes you) will probably never notice the fact that in reality I really don’t know what I’m talking about — but in the end does any of it really matter since, well… “that offensive runner has got to have snagged the most yardage gained in any professional game in the last 16 months…”

And really — are you going to argue with me about that?

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