Drinking Coffee With Macaulay Culkin

Ok, maybe not with.

Maybe it was more like “drinking coffee next to Macaulay Culkin. But either way, what started as a next-to coffee-drinking experience, quickly evolved into a day around Beverly Hills, California. It was something I would have never expected, nor believed — and so I understand if you feel the same way.

It started, somewhat innocently. I was drinking my Coffee Bean Vanilla Blended when Mac sat down next to me in a long trenchcoat, jeans and a white t-shirt that said, “Doh!” on it. He was drinking something hot, as the steam was rising from the top of the cup. He looked at me and in that split second my sense-of-humor took hold and I slapped both hands to my face, giving him the trademark Home Alone look that has probably haunted him his entire life.

He laughed and said, “That is sooooo wrong, it’s funny.”

We got to talking. Not about his acting and not about my writing, but about the funny things people talk about. We talked about lincoln logs, legos, oranges, flexible drinking straws, dogs that do not shed, sunglasses that allow you to see behind you, seals, the singer Seal, making wax seals for the back of your personalized stationary, stationary bikes, the Segway personal moving technology, why rats don’t make good pets, and finally — cheese.

Mac, strangely enough, does not like “Mac and Cheese” and I was horrified that I even asked him about it. But again, the guy has a great sense-of-humor so it didn’t matter.

Then, things got interesting.

I finished my drink and so did Mac and then he asks me if I want to go with him to the local Toys R’ Us where he has to pick up some presents for the holidays. I ask him if he’s sure, and he’s totally cool about it.

“You made me laugh, man. Why would I want that to end?”

Cool guy, right?

Flash forward about 45 minutes later — Mac and me have gone through the local Toys R’ Us store, he’s already got two baskets filled with stuff (where’d all this money come from – I thought his dad stole all his money?) and then we are getting ready to check out when we pass this bin filled with nerf balls and huge nerf bats.

So, what do I do? In a playful mood I pick up a nerf bat and I clock Mac in what was supposed to be his shoulder. Instead, it knocks him hard in the neck/chin, and the world completely comes to a screeching halt.

Mac: “What the hell did you just do?”

Me: “Sorry, man! S’all good!”

Mac: “No, it’s not all good.”

Me: “Hey, chill. It’s only nerf. It’s not like I hit you with an alumnium bat or something.”

Mac: “You hit me in the neck.”

Me: “Don’t be such a wuss, Mac.”

Mac: “My estranged father used to call me a wuss, Paul.”

This, of course, was the moment where my sense-of-humor went a little too far. I threw my hands up to my face, slapping both cheeks like that scene in Home Alone and yelled, “DOH!”

Here’s a rebus puzzle for you: Home Alone + Mocking Mac’s T-Shirt Logo = Having to Take a Taxi Back To My Car at the Coffee Shop.

Apparently, Mac has some weird neck thing going on, that I can’t even begin to try and figure out. And even on the ride back to my car, alone — I didn’t care much. I got to spend the afternoon with a child star…and got to hit him in the face with a bat.

In Los Angeles, that’s a very rare occurence. Especially without someone filing charges.