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  • Paul Davidson

Blow Up Beds

It’s so early and I’m so fatigued right now that I can hardly type, which was the cause of the initial title of this entry mistakenly being dubbed as Blow Up Beads which immediately brings to mind some whacky new Los Angeles invented sexual bead activity that, deep down (no pun intended), I think would be tauted as the most relaxing and painful experience, but which would allow you to Lose 10 lbs. in less than five minutes!.

The previous sentence will be my official entry into the 2004 Run On Sentence Competition.

Don’t ask. Like I said, it’s early.

Why am I up so early? Boy, where do I start. (I know there are some people, if any people, reading this already up for their coal mining gig out there in Middle America saying to themselves, “Hell, I’m up before the sun comes up and home after it’s set. Shut up, yuppie-boy.”) I guess the simple sentence that started this whole nightmare is this:

I have a hot tub on my roof.

Apparently, after 10-12 years of a townhouse have passed, and earthquakes and such have rumbled through the neighborhood, tile (on the top of the tub) begins to crack, allowing water to travel its way down under the tub which just happens to be above the master bedroom. Lucky us.

Then, there comes the rainy season. A leak through the ceiling. But you don’t want to fix a ceiling leak before you fix the leak itself. Find the source. So, we let the leak continue for about six months as we eventually figured out that the whole hot tub surface had to be redone.

That happened over the course of the last 3 weeks.

At the same time, you call out the “Mold People” (which is actually what you’re supposed to call them)… Here:

Me on the phone: First I dial the number…

The Mold People: Hi. Mold People.

Me on the phone: You’re kidding.

The Mold People: Excuse me?

Me on the phone: The listing says Ray Lewis Mold Inspection…Yet you answer the phone, “Mold People”?

The Mold People: (Long pause, a SIGH) Is there something we can do for you?

Me on the phone: Mole People. Really, seriously?

The Mold People: Goodbye. (Click)

They’re pesky folks, them Mold People. Anyway, what do you think happens when they actually go into the ceiling and look for mold?

They find it. And then they tell you that they have to take down almost all of the ceiling in order to get rid of it. Then you rush to get a contractor. Then you move everything out of your bedroom and find yourself sleeping with your wife on the floor of your office on a blow up bed.

Why is it that all people who you VISIT, tell you that they have a wonderful blow up bed that you can sleep on and really, most of the time, those damn blow up beds aren’t comfortable at all. I’ve even found myself trying to convince my parents when they come into town that they should stay in my office since we have a blow up bed because those darn blow up beds are really, really comfortable.

I had to get up at 6am this morning to air out the bedroom, which had been saturated with mold-killing fumes, and today the contractors start in the hopes that they finish before Sunday.

I’ve got a wedding this weeked — my buddy Fabian is finally getting married to his fiancee Ryan after being together for 7+ years or something like that. I mean, it’s like Commonlaw Marriage already, but they’ve finally got around to it which should be cool. Fabe, actually, is the co-writer of a great film called Better Luck Tomorrow that was a big hit at Sundance, and if you listen very closely and you know what I sound like, you may even hear me doing walla (background voice over work) in a few scenes. Great film, check it out.

In the meantime, think good thoughts for me and my house. And beware The Mold People. They control everything.

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