I try to be courteous and listen to my friends and colleagues when they talk to me.
I try to nod and look interested, periodically adding a “Mmmhmm” or a “Oh yeah” or a “No way” all the while they flap their lips, telling me about their nightmares or their car issues or the fact that the water heater in their house burst over the weekend. I try to seem engaged because that’s what a friend or colleague does when their other friend or colleage reaches out and asks to share their latest tale.
But if you’re going to talk to me about how many glasses of water you drank today..? I’m going to opt out.
Me: “Twenty bucks on pump seven.”
Him: “Pump seven?”
Me: “Yes. Pump seven.”
Him: “Maybe you should use pump eight instead.”
Me: “Is pump seven broken?”
Him: “You can just pull your car up a little bit and it will reach.”
Me: “Is there something wrong with pump seven?”
Him: “So that’s twenty on eight?”
Me: “Unless I can use pump seven.”
Him: “You could use nine.”
Me: “Fine, I’ll use seven. Can I go pump the gas now?”
Him: “Your destiny is in your own hands…not mine.”
The only thing I didn’t see was that damn smoke monster.
01. You really don’t think about Peace and good will as often as you say you do.
02. Your childhood dream of meeting a unicorn never did come true, no matter how many times you say it did.
03. When you’re numbering your 25 things you should align the double digit numbers’ periods with the single number periods so the periods are aligned throughout all of your 25 random things.
04. When you say you would never want a bigger house it’s only because no one offered you a bigger house for free.
05. When you say you “used to snore” the reality is you just don’t wake yourself up anymore from snoring, although if you cross-referenced your 25 random things with your spouse’s 25 random things you might find something like, “my husband still snores but I decided not to tease him about it any more because it’s useless…”
06. When you say you became a vegetarian in high school and then you started eating meat in college, then you became a vegan after college and you just recently went on that no-protein, all-popcorn diet — it doesn’t mean you care for animals…it just means you can’t make up your mind.
07. When you say you miss your very first lemon of a car and that if you could have it back today you would easily give up your BMW for it, you are just being stupid.
08. I’ve never had a cavity, but you don’t see me bragging about it on Facebook.
09. 74% of all people’s “25 Random Things About Me” use #9 to talk about pets.
10. You say you love everyone you meet, but you really wish they had a huge hairy mole on their cheek to weed out the competition.
11. When you say you really do love the smell of air (?), I judge you.
12. Math is never *ANYONE’S* strength, including you.
13. Cheating on your SAT isn’t something you should be putting on Facebook, even if they promise not to own all your posted items after you die.
14. The fact that you have never had dreams in color doesn’t mean your “soul is unable to experience the true beauty of life” — it just means your psyche is messed up.
15. Your apartment bathroom is NOT your favorite place to be. Seriously. It’s not. Don’t say it is.
16. Having ten or more cats doesn’t make you a “lover of animals” or a “rescuer of animals” or “passionate about the animal kingdom.” It makes you a “cat lady.” Or a “cat dude.” Nothing more. Nothing less.
17. That time you got hit in the nose with the football and it reminded you of The Brady Bunch and the pain really never registered? That’s called being in shock.
18. When you say that you never cared about how the guys you date look, but that it was what mattered inside them that counted most…you forgot to mention that you are currently listed as “Single” on Facebook and hoping to find a really attractive date on it.
19. Sixteen Candles was every woman’s favorite movie from their teenage years.
20. Traffic doesn’t bother you because you have a driver.
21. Being obsessed with alphabetizing your DVD collection DOES make you obsessive, and not “passionate about movies” like your family has mentioned.
22. You may say your goal is to jump out of a plane before your 40th Birthday but you are more likely to get attacked by a rabid actor-Chimpanzee while shopping for furniture at IKEA instead first. It’s got nothing to do with your courage…it’s just life.
23. Any childhood memory that involves whipping cream should not be a childhood memory.
24. Tea is for pansies.
25. Twenty five random things about yourself wasn’t really that hard to write since you have at least seventy five more things you’d love to brag to the world about…but yeah — until that next phenom finds its way to you, you’re just going to have to bide your time.
Having kids changes the things you obsess about.
Still, I had to come out of hiding to address a slew of unrealistic inaccuracies in Disney’s The Little Einsteins; an often-adorable show about a quadfecta of young friends and their sentient robot rocket, Rocket. On a weekly basis they launch off on a variety of missions and tie in music and art while they’re doing it.
I just wish they could pay as much attention to the other small details.
It’s always nice to see old words repurposed as new words.
Such is the case with this Mental Floss article I wrote about the different crayons that Crayola removed from the world due to political and racial scuttlebuts.