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January 26th, 2006
You’ve got a problem.
Every time you sit down to play a game of Monopoly, you demand that you must be the thimble. You can’t be the dog or the car or the cowboy. You can’t be the iron or the shoe or the wheelbarrow. You can’t be the top hat or the cannon or the battleship. Not even the sack of money.
You’ve got to be the thimble or you’re not playing. In fact, if you’re not the thimble, your entire world will collapse and implode.
It’s an obsession that must stop.
Posted under Games, You. | 32 Comments »
December 26th, 2005
It’s over, okay?
When a holiday comes but once a year but then comes every single year after the year in question, you have one day and one day only in which to discuss said holiday, wish others said holiday’s greetings and smile and joyously tout the greatness of your once a year holiday extravaganza.
But as of today…you shouldn’t be able to do that anymore.
Posted under Holidays, It's True!, You. | 25 Comments »
October 9th, 2005
You’ve got a problem.
You walk throughout your day to day life doing things like crunching ice (even when your teeth are sensitive to it), folding magazine insert cards into the smallest possible tiny little square you can, forming tiny little sphere-like shapes with tiny pieces of gum (inside your mouth), balancing things like glue sticks and pencils upright on your desk and popping bubble wrap.
WFME Psychological Evaluation: You have a desire to bend things to your own will.
Posted under Psychology, You. | 6 Comments »
September 1st, 2005
Yes, you have to pay for parking.
When you drove into the parking garage in the first place, I’m sure you saw the sign that said “First 2 Hours Free, $1.00 each additional 20 minutes thereafter”. I’m sure that even if you didn’t see the sign that said that, you’re aware that when you take a ticket from a machine and the little arm raises and you’re allowed to drive your car into the massive stone structure, that paying something to someone may very well (possibly, maybe) be a part of a future you cannot escape, even with The Terminator on your side.
Yes. You have to pay for parking.
Posted under Cars, You. | 15 Comments »
July 18th, 2005
They’ll call it “unique.”
“Man, you’ve got a really unique first name,” they’ll tell you. “Wow, I’ve never heard of that first name ever being spelled that way before,” they’ll admit. “Were your parents hippies or something?” they’ll wonder…
While all the while, inside their head, they’ll think to themselves that you have the stupidest, strangest, weirdest, most-annoying to pronounce, hippie-like, ego-motivated, way too long, way too foreign, way too unique first name in the entire history of first names — and they wish you’d just change it to something simple like John or Jennifer.
But you will never know that nobody likes your name.
Posted under You. | 26 Comments »
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