If I Had Gills

Just so you know, Kevin Costner’s character in Waterworld didn’t have gills.

There was this bit of trivia when the movie came out pointing out that in some scenes he had gills on his neck, but since it was never addressed in the story, it pretty much meant he didn’t have working gills that allowed him to breathe underwater. And whether or not you are a pro-Waterworld gill supporter or a con-Waterworld gill supporter, you should just know that the reality of it all was that Kevin Costner did not have gills.

But what if I did?

If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie

Normally, I’m afraid of hide n’ go seek.

But just like I once took the glorious Olympic games and adjusted them to be more fun — well, there’s ways around sucking the fear out of that horrific hiding game and giving it a little bit more to make it sing (no pun intended). And having put thought into it, I’ve decided there’s one way I’d be able to stomach the running, hiding and seeking game.

I’d want to play it with superstar singer Lionel Richie.

If I Was Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Cousin’s Cell-Mate’s Overly-Enthusiastic And Partially Egotistical Tennis Instructor

Let’s just say I’m a people person.

It would have to be the only explanation after meeting your sister for the first time and turning that chance meeting into a friendship that would ironically put me in the position to meet your sister’s best friend at the local watering hole late one night. And surprisingly, while drinking a drink in the suave way I would be drinking the drink and laughing about how I had ironically met your sister in the first place — your sister’s best friend would turn to me and wonder why she had lived so many years without crossing paths with me…

And it would just be the beginning in a long, twisting relationship that would span one sister, a best friend, some brothers, a cousin and some very unhappy convicted felons.

If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat

Really expensive coats are the new wallets, if you must know.

For years, men were ecstatic over getting wallets as gifts since it was one step up from getting ties and two steps up from getting money clips and three steps up from getting a fingerpainted picture of crap that doesn’t resemble anything living on the entire Earth. Yes, men were feeling pretty damn good about those damn wallets. But recently, it seems that really expensive coats have sent leather wallets booking the other direction. Seemingly, I’m one of those ecstatic men, gripping lovingly onto my brand new awesome expensive coat.

Which I probably wouldn’t use to smother out the flames on your body…if you happened to be on fire.

If I Was Trapped In A Collapsed Cave With A Miner Who Wore A Ski-Mask All The Time

“Hey, I can’t even see your face!”

It would be a statement that would have dual meaning and make us both laugh our heads off since before the two of us got trapped down here in this collapsed cave and there was no light with which to see each other’s faces…well, I couldn’t see your face anyway.

Since you were “that miner” who wore a ski-mask all the time.