I Don’t Quite Care How Many Glasses of Water You Drank Today

I try to be courteous and listen to my friends and colleagues when they talk to me.

I try to nod and look interested, periodically adding a “Mmmhmm” or a “Oh yeah” or a “No way” all the while they flap their lips, telling me about their nightmares or their car issues or the fact that the water heater in their house burst over the weekend. I try to seem engaged because that’s what a friend or colleague does when their other friend or colleage reaches out and asks to share their latest tale.

But if you’re going to talk to me about how many glasses of water you drank today..? I’m going to opt out.

Today’s Overrated Element: Air

Call it air, call it oxygen. Call it whatever the hell you want.

I’m just a little fed up with all you pro-airites. You people who walk around on your high horse and proclaim, “Without air, we’d all die” and “Air is the lifeforce of all who live and breathe” and “Boy, it sure is airy today isn’t it?” All doing your best to continue what the government started — a worldwide obsession with an element that, in my humble opinion, is sort of a total and complete wash.

That’s right, people. Air is today’s overrated element.

I Don’t Know About You, But I Could Use A Nice Cold Glass of Water

I don’t know about you, but I could use a nice cold glass of water.

And I’m not talking room temperature either. Seemingly, people always seem to offer up a room temperature glass of water when you ask them for a nice cold glass of water and then when you tell them you didn’t want a room temperatured glass of water but a really nice cold glass of water, they just turn and look at you like you’re crazy and tell you that studies prove that drinking a shockingly cold glass of water can harm your internal organs.

To which I say, still…I could use a nice cold glass of water.

If I Had Gills

Just so you know, Kevin Costner’s character in Waterworld didn’t have gills.

There was this bit of trivia when the movie came out pointing out that in some scenes he had gills on his neck, but since it was never addressed in the story, it pretty much meant he didn’t have working gills that allowed him to breathe underwater. And whether or not you are a pro-Waterworld gill supporter or a con-Waterworld gill supporter, you should just know that the reality of it all was that Kevin Costner did not have gills.

But what if I did?

The No Water Go Bad Conspiracy

“No water go bad.”

It’s the kind of phrase a five year old kid with a lisp might say while you were getting him one of those mylar metallic-reflective balloons as you told him he shouldn’t drink what was left in that water bottle hanging out the back of the stroller of his five month old sister because eventually, like all other foods on this planet — water eventually goes bad.

Yet that’s not the conspiracy I’m talking about here.