When Gas Station Attendant Conversations Are Almost As Confusing As ABC’s Lost

Me: “Twenty bucks on pump seven.”
Him: “Pump seven?”
Me: “Yes. Pump seven.”
Him: “Maybe you should use pump eight instead.”
Me: “Is pump seven broken?”
Him: “You can just pull your car up a little bit and it will reach.”
Me: “Is there something wrong with pump seven?”
Him: “So that’s twenty on eight?”
Me: “Unless I can use pump seven.”
Him: “You could use nine.”
Me: “Fine, I’ll use seven. Can I go pump the gas now?”
Him: “Your destiny is in your own hands…not mine.”

The only thing I didn’t see was that damn smoke monster.

Words About The Inaccuracies In Disney’s Little Einsteins

Having kids changes the things you obsess about.

Still, I had to come out of hiding to address a slew of unrealistic inaccuracies in Disney’s The Little Einsteins; an often-adorable show about a quadfecta of young friends and their sentient robot rocket, Rocket. On a weekly basis they launch off on a variety of missions and tie in music and art while they’re doing it.

I just wish they could pay as much attention to the other small details.

It’s Time To Retire The Oh My Godder

“Oh My God.”

It is a phrase that originally went hand and hand with things like alien spaceship landings, flying superheroes and huge catastrophic flipping ocean liners. But lately, it seems to be a phrase that just about any writer loves to use to apply what I like to call “the amazing” to things that are sort of, kind of, pretty much not amazing at all.

From overflowing sinks to someone seeing their name on the big jumbotron in New York City’s time square, it is a sound byte that is supposed to make us not change the channel because we think something amazing is coming up.

Sad thing is…the “Oh My Godder” isn’t much of any amazing…anymore.

Reality TV Show Idea #45: Bathroom Splashers!

Title: Bathroom Splashers!

Concept: Ten contestants, picked from a nationwide audition process held in local Bed, Bath & Beyonds are challenged to wash their hands in a public bathroom in a timely manner, with the least amount of splash-residue. At the end of a ten week competition, two will remain — and one will go away with $100,000, a brand-new hi-tech designed bathroom and a year’s supply of Dial Antibacterial Soap.

Why It’s A Winner: Next to climbing Mount Everest and eating three packets of saltine crackers in a minute without water…washing ones’ hands without leaving a general sink/water residue is the toughest skill to develop. Current unscripted TV shows give wannabe-chefs the chance to get a dream job doing what they love… Overweight folks get the chance to lose weight and win money… Even nerds and beauty-queens get the opportunity to exist outside their comfort zone and go home a winner. In comparison to Bathroom Splashers!, these previously aforementioned shows have only half the entertainment value.

What’s Entertaining About It? Bathroom Splashers! brings the most annoying part of using a public bathroom to your home entertainment experience. How often do you walk up to a public bathroom sink/countertop and find water everywhere…as if someone took a bath in the sink itself? That frustration bridges racial stereotypes, financial gaps and religious ideologies in this country (and the world). Everyone knows how tough it is to keep the water IN the sink and OFF the countertop. Everyone can eat a scorpion or a bull’s testicle, but keeping water in the sink? That’s tough cookies, folks. Watching hapless Bed, Bath & Beyond patrons try to win the big money by washing their hands will blow shows like The Amazing Race (or, as we like to call it The American Airlines Ticket Challenge) and Survivor out of the water (no pun intended).

How Can I Apply? Application details will be available as soon as this project is purchased by a major network or cable channel for production. I will keep you updated on this.

Are You Feeling Confident This Can Be Made? Yes. Yes I am.

The Seinfeld Babysitting Question

If you had to have one of the characters from Seinfeld babysit your kids (or take care of your dog while on vacation) who would it be?

And if your choice is Jerry, give me a follow up choice and why.

I’m still not sure which one I’d choose.