You may or may not remember back in 2004 when I hung out with Mr. Cruise mere minutes before the release of his film Collateral.
We spent a rollicking day together in Hollywood, and what initially began as a straight-forward interview with the man quickly de-evolved into me being the guy driving him around town while he shopped, got massages and tried to give me hugs all day long.
Now, with his new movie Mission Impossible 3 mere days from release, I got Mr. Cruise to actually sit down with me and reflect upon his career, his life and his movies.
Thank you for joining us yet again for “Words For Your Enjoyment.”
This week, WFME pal Sarcomical asks, “How about you submit to the lowest denominator and give us your version of what you imagine the brand new TomKitten’s 18th birthday celebration will be like?”
How about I do you one better, good old friend S-Mical, and talk to TomKitten now? The baby offspring of Tom Cruise at Katie Holmes has just come into this world after nine months and probably has lots to say on a variety of subjects, don’t you think?
Previously, I created what the world now knows as The Movie Reviewer Construction Kit — where you could create your own single-line movie reviews by just picking and choosing from columns.
Because, secretly — that’s what all the big time reviewers do anyway.
But in honor of the release of today’s Spielberg extravaganza The War of the Worlds, I would like to present a special edition of the M.R. Construction Kit.
Just pick one line each from columns A, B and C (and tweak the tense or grammar if you must) and voila! Instant War of the Worlds movie quote.
(My cell phone rings, in the damn middle of the night.)
Kate: You. Are. Not. Going. To. Believe. This!!!!
Me: Is Dad OK?
Kate: Snap out of it, Pauly. It’s me. Kate.
Me: (Long sigh)
Me: Yeah, yeah. I’m here.
Kate: Did Tom call you yet?
Me: Two days ago. To ask me to join him in all the glory that is Scientology.
Kate: Ohmigodohmigodohmigod, what did you say?
Me: I told him yes, Kate. I told him yes.
Kate: Teehee. Which is exactly what I told him!
Me: Yeah, he already told me.
(The phone rings…)
Tom: Hey, Paul. It’s Tom Cruise. Yeeeeaaaaaah!!!!
Me: Uh, hi. You know it’s seven in the morning?
Tom: Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Do you know what I’m doing!?
Me: Uh, no. What are you doing.
Tom: Jumpin’ on crap. Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh!!!
Me: You woke me up. What do you want?
Tom: What do I waaaant!?! WHAT DO I WANT!?!
Me: Uh, yeah.
Tom: I want you to join Scientology.
Me: Didn’t Kate already do that for you?
Tom: Sure, but we want you too. Yeeaaaahhhhhh!!
Me: Can you stop yelling into the phone, please?
Tom: Sorry. So, will you join us?
Me: Um. Okay.