I don’t like broccoli.
Sure, there are people out there who will tell you that if you just pour thick Velveeta cheese all over the broccoli’s green stalks of steaming hot blandness, that you will be able to stomach a vegetable that reminds me of the small trees that made up the forest on The Smurfs and which usually those damn Smurfs hid under when Gargamel was trying to find them to eat them. Of course, I half wish Gargamel would have found them and eaten them cause then maybe he would have realized that they taste just as bad as broccoli and the Smurf-bigoted Gargamel would have decided to take up a different hobby.
They stopped calling me. The solicitors who rang my phone every day on the hour have decided, based on some information which I am not privy to, that I am no longer worthy to call.
I’m not kidding, here. I used to get a call or two a day from phone solicitors. I used to get calls often where I said “hello” and there was a silence, then the sound of people talking way off in the background, and then my personal solicitor finally coming to the phone to offer me the latest in deals, special pricing plans and complimentary gifts.
But no more.
It just ain’t happenin’, people.
Saturday Night Live has basically sucked for a long long long long time. Periodically you get a sketch here and there that’s decent (like last night’s Will Ferrell Jeopardy sketch) but normally you’ll find that the first sketch of the ENTIRE SHOW actually sucks the big one, too.
So, what’s the damn problem, Lorne?
I have taken what I believe to be the Top 10 sketches since the show’s inception and broken each sketch down to the elements that make the sketch funny so you can see really what lies beneath. Then, I have taken those important elements and created my own sketch which I believe would be well-received and eventually turned into a high-grossing SNL movie.
Where x=total number of bloggers, y=total blog posts, and z=blog readers.
Seriously, it totally works.
Yes, it’s true.
Details will be forthcoming when I’m sure it’s safe to release such sensitive information, but please let me appease your fears by telling you that the book does not involve or include any of the following subjects: ducks, sentient rocks, stories about people who eat cabbage, funny lists that all have to do with licorice, my personal ramblings on cheese, a picture of my head and how big it is, how-to’s on doing magic tricks, songs about singing songs, a story that feels longer than Cold Mountain and which involves my trek from San Francisco to Boston while wearing only one shoe and half a pair of pants, the band Motley Crue, letters to corporations, letters from corporations, rants about celebrities, really big sentient rocks, my thoughts on robots taking over the world, or a whole sci-fi novel based on a story I overheard at the bus stop about how cockroaches from alien planets are in actuality, living in a huge base made out of swiss cheese.