I’m Not Leaving The Time I Called On Your Answering Machine

Unless you’re trying to solve a murder case in which I am involved, where I took the time to call and leave a message on your answering machine right before I dumped the bodies and flew to Alaska (ironically, which I was under the impression was out of the United States jurisdiction), there’s truly no reason for the time I called to be important.

In fact, even if I wasn’t involved in a murder (which I’m not) and you’re not involved in solving a case (which you’re not, unless you’re doing that home detective thing that Oliver in The Brady Bunch once did…which would also mean you’re jumping the shark), then…

I’m not leaving the time I called on your answering machine. Plain and simple.

Wrong Number, Right Language

It’s been a banner week for WFME Podcasts.

After WFME’s visual version of its AMEX podcast popped up on YouTube’s Featured Comedy Video page (and 27,000 views later) — yet another favorite WFME podcast has been recycled into a magical monstrosity of visual verbosity.

So if you were a fan of the Gibberish podcast, or you’ve always wondered how to handle a wrong number from someone who speaks a language you don’t speak — head on over to YouTube to view Wrong Number, Right Language.

Yes, you may very well be sorry.

It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages

“Hi. I’m not home right now. Actually, I might be home but not answering the phone. But really, honestly, is anyone ever really home? Aren’t we all just wanderers, searching out for that ultimate be-all end-all home? The kind of home we only fully reach when we’ve left our earthly bodies behind and we’ve ascended to the next level of consciousness? Isn’t it only then, at that shining moment of clarity, when we’re finally, really, one-hundred percent at-”

[Beep]

“Yo! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna…message!”

[Beep]

“Listen quickly — Idon’thavemuchtimeandeverythingsjustgotmoredangerousforus. I walked too close to the sun, you could say, andnowthey’reafterme. Whichmeansthey’reafteryou, too. Oh my- W-w-wait a second. Ohno. They’reoutsidethehouse. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Quick! Leaveyourinfoatthetone so I know where to find you. Do it! At the tone!”

[Gunshot & Beep]

“Thank you for calling the Make A Wish Foundation answering machine hotline for Paul Davidson. If you’re calling because you read about Paul’s wish to have his answering machine message tape completely filled up with messages in this morning’s Los Angeles Times, and you’re calling to help him reach that goal — please go ahead and leave a message. If you read about his wish and have chosen not to leave a message…then you’re just a heartless, cold-hearted snake and we hope you die.”

[Beep]

Today’s Wrong Number Transcript

Me: “Hello?”
Them: “Hey, is Hector around?”
Me: “This is Hector.”
Them: “This doesn’t sound like Hector.”
Me: [With bad Mexican accent that sounds German] “Hallo, dis is Hector.”
Them: “C’mon, put on Hector!”
Me: “Ok, sorry. One sec.”
Them: “Thanks.”
Me: “Heyyyyyy!”
Them: “Hector, is that you?”
Me: “Yeah. Who’s this?”
Them: “This isn’t Hector.”
Me: “Look, this is Hector. I’m hanging up if you don’t tell me who this is.”
Them: “It’s Dough Boy.”
Me: “Dough Boy?”
Dough-Boy: “Yeah, man. Are you coming tonight?”
Me: “You really let people call you Dough Boy?”
Dough-Boy: “I called the wrong number, eh?”
Me: “Dough Boy, really? I mean, doesn’t that sort of make you feel self-conscious when people have given you a nickname based on a fat, bloated white sentient piece of dough?”

[Click.]