I’m No Shuttle Commander And Neither Are You

Yes, that’s right.

Because even though I’m wearing a Bluetooth cell phone ear-piece head-set cancer-causing electronic lobe-hanger doesn’t mean that my code name is Desert Fox or that I’m constantly in contact with FBI agents who are securing the perimeter. It doesn’t mean that “the eagle has landed” is about to land or may be landing sometime in the near future.

And it definitely doesn’t mean that I’m a shuttle commander — and the same goes for you.

John Tesh Loves His Cell Phone

Apparently John Tesh loves his cell phone.

While out and about yesterday in the San Fernando Valley, I found myself in a Cingular cell phone store, gearing up to abandon my current cell for a brand spanking-new one. But more important than the shiny new technology and the pre-cancerous cells that are already in my skull no thanks to cell technology was the fact that uber-singer (and hubby to Connie Selleca) John Tesh came in to “hang out” in the store.

And let me tell you — he is nuts over his cell phone.

The Danger of Escalators

Let me ask you a question.

If I told you I came up with a brand new invention that was like stairs, but they moved, and all you had to do was get on them and it would transport you to the upper level of any building… But the stairs were made out of sharp knife blades, would you tell me that was a good idea or a bad idea?

Right. So why then am I the only person to vilify escalators as the most dangerous transportation device on the face of the Earth?

I Am The King of Resetting Clocks

Go ahead. Try me.

Give me the model number, the amount of dials, whether or not it has buttons, if it’s digital or manual, if it’s flashing, powered by batteries, plugged into the wall, attached to a VCR, on your watch, in your car, on the microwave oven, in a ball that you throw at the wall as an alarm clock, or one of those manual Rube Goldberg-esque kind of things.

No matter the challenge, no matter the technology — I am the King of resetting clocks.

Waiting For The Phone-Shoe (Still)

What’s the problem, technology people of the world?

There you sit atop your huge corporate think-tank buildings in the heart of Big City U.S.A. coming up with MP3-watches and small USB plug-in drives that look like cars, developing tiny technology that can fit in my ear and building even cooler gadgets by the minute. You are on the cusp of greatness every day you go to work, technology gurus, but you have failed me in one of the biggest, most important senses of the word failure.

Where’s my damn phone-shoe?