I have a problem with auto-eaters.
These are the people who drive with one hand (or no hands) and ingest their entire lunch in the process. They are worse than makeupper-drivers, cellphoner-drivers and lostaquarterintheseat-drivers. They are truly the most dangerous thing on the road.
That’s why, if you ask me — everyone who is an auto-eater should be given an additional written test when they go to get their license (and periodically throughout their driving career) to ensure they know what to do in a myriad of situations. That is why WFME would like to present to you the Auto-Eater Driver’s Examination Test.
Please, answer the questions only if you surely know the answers.
[At El Pollo Loco’s Drive-Thru]
Them: “Welcome to El Pollo Loco, may I take your order?”
Me: “Yeah, can I get two beef meximelts…”
Me: “A bean and cheese burrito, with sour cream…”
Me: “And that great Nacho Bell Grande thing?”
Them: “Anything to drink?”
Me: “Pepsi? Oh, and those cinnamon crispas for dessert.”
Them: “Okay. Anything else?”
Me: “Can you read back my order?”
Them: “Beef melt, bean and cheese burrito, nachos, pepsi and a churro.”
Me: “Well, I guess that sounds about right.”
Them: “Please pull around to the second window.”
Listen. I had Taco Bell a few weeks ago.
When I normally go to Taco Bell, it’s every once in a blue moon, since eating Taco Bell is like eating death in the form of a burrito with sour cream, yet that death burrito tastes like heaven. So, it’s sort of a heavenly, death-like experience with sour cream, that I rarely enjoy but wholeheartedly do when time and body image permits. Such a moment arrived a few weeks ago, I had a burrito with sour cream and onions.
And now I’m afraid I’ve got a low grade E-Coli infection.
You’ve made many decisions in the past.
You chose between getting hit in the head with an anvil or a dead kangaroo. A bird in the hand or a bird in the bush. Coughing up a lung or a small ferrett. A painless nail in the head or a weekly pedicure and walking around with a ziploc bag filled with water or a severed left arm. They were tough choices that, surprisingly, pale in comparison to your next enigmatic choice. A choice so tough, it will shake you to the core.
Yes…today, your decision is all about Taco Bell.