There Are Certain Surgeries I’d Like To Perform With Zero Medical Training Whatsoever

Let’s face it — surgery is tough.

Even when you watch shows like ER or Grey’s Anatomy you often don’t say to yourself, “now there’s a procedure I’m sure I could do on my own with normal everyday household items.” That, of course, is unlike when you watch a police show and think that yes, you could probably chase down a perp… Or, when you watch a legal drama you think, sure, I could try a case on my own. But surgery? Not so much.

Yet that being said, there are certain surgeries I’d like to perform with zero medical training whatsoever.

If I Could Perform Complicated Surgeries With A Toothpick

If I could perform complicated surgeries with a toothpick, my phone would never stop ringing.

Most calls, of course, would come from International locations like Burma and Greenland and Taiwan and Indonesia — where people are open minded about tricky, questionable, almost magical-like surgical techniques like mine and are more than happy to become guinea pigs if it means free gauze and syringes. But as quickly as they would call, the lists of patients would overwhelm…because when the media and journalists of the world saw what amazing things I could do with a toothpick…

…well, I’d be the King of the (Medical) World.

I Could Be Your Surgery Waker-Upper Trainer

Here’s the scenario, hotshot.

You go in for a reasonably complicated but typical surgery. You’re having your appendix removed. Or having a heart-valve cleaned out. Having knee surgery or an ear-canal restructuring. You’re going in for a prostate thingie or having some work done that you’d rather not talk about (although I’d probably not talk about the prostate thing either). But no matter the surgery, they’re going to put you under. And once you’re under, you want to wake up as quickly as you possibly can when all is said and done.

That’s where I could come in, being your surgery waker-upper trainer.