An Excerpt From My One Man Play, ‘I’ve Got a Splinter’
July 23rd, 2007
[Lights up.]
[A man walks into the spotlight at center stage, lifting his left index finger up into the light. Gazing at the finger, squinting his eyes, and then letting out a SCREAM so painful, it shocks all who are within earshot.]
Man: “Ohhhhhh, woe is me. Thy finger, thy INDEX finger, is marred by the earth. The earth from which all life is bourne… The earth from which life reaches high… The earth which will someday fill in and around us, comforting and cradling our lifeless bodies until we can be returned to the soil and the soul. Such earth has attacked me. Attacked without reason. The pain screams out at me, stretching from this one INDEX finger in and around my every being.”
[The man lifts up his other hand, looking at a perfectly fine INDEX finger. He holds up the healthy index finger to the one that contains a huge wooden splinter.]
Man, Doing Voice of Healthy Index Finger: “Hello Index Finger. What seems to be the trouble?”
Man, Doing Voice of Not-So-Healthy Index Finger: “Agggggggttttthhhhhh.”
Man, Doing Voice of Healthy Index Finger: “Has something happened to you?”
Man, Doing Voice of Not-So-Healthy Index Finger: “Ohhhhhh, the pain!”
Man, Doing Voice of Healthy Index Finger: “I see thine pain now. Thou has been split in half by the sharpened edge of a horrific wooden staff!”
Man, Doing Voice of Not-So-Healthy Index Finger: “I long for the traumatic birth canal of my index finger mother — although painful and disheartening…at least that is nothing compared to my current trauma! I seek help from a kind soul! Are thou said kind soul?”
Man, Doing Voice of Healthy Index Finger: “Yeah, I don’t pick out splinters. Not sanitary. Besides, I need two other fingers to do a job like that and you really can’t count on the current lot I’m associated with.”
[The healthy index finger is curled back up into the man's fist. He gazes up at the splintered soul...]
Man: “Ohhhhhhhh. Pain affects us all.”
[Lights Down on House.]
