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May 11th, 2005
In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller’s Cameron Frye: “They’ll keep callin’… They’ll keep callin’…”
And that’s exactly what they do.
Apparently, the people over at Pitney Bowes who thought I was a small business owner have passed along my phone number to a group of phone solicitors in a time zone that is seven hours ahead of Los Angeles. And the only reason I have determined that is because when they called me at 7:45 AM in the morning, and I angrily asked them what time they thought it was, they said a quarter to three. Go figure.
Posted under Solicitors. | 7 Comments »
April 27th, 2005
The phone rang, almost surprisingly. There was, as usual, a long pause after I said hello. Eventually, the people on the other line got down to business. Phone solicitors, again.
Pitney Bowes: Hello — is this the managing partner?
Me: Why, yes. It is.
Pitney Bowes: Well, hello sir. I’m calling on behalf of Pitney Bowes this morning to make you a wonderful offer. We’re ready to give you the Pitney Bowes E700 letter postage meter for a free three month trial, and then offer you the service at $24.95 a month. And that’s only with a thirty-dollar startup fee for the postage.
Me: A postage meter?
Pitney Bowes: Well, yes. How much in postage do you think your business uses on a monthly basis?
Me: My frozen yogurt shop?
Pitney Bowes: Uh, yes. Your…frozen yogurt shop.
Me: I don’t know. I mean, what would I need a postage meter for at a frozen yogurt shop?
Pitney Bowes: Well, what about all those great offers you send out to the community? The special two for one deals?
Me: Good point. Very good point.
Continuing words »
Posted under Solicitors. | 5 Comments »
February 10th, 2005
Me: Hello?
Them: Mr. Davidson?
Me: [Cough]
Them: Hello, may I speak with Mr. Davidson?
Me: [Wheeze]
Them: Are you OK? Hello?
Me: Oh man. Did you hear that?
Them: Hear what?
Me: That coughing and that wheezing. Man.
Them: This is Omaha Steaks calling with a special offer for-
Me: [Hacking cough]
Them: Sir?
Me: Sorry. Do you ever feel like you’re going to cough up a lung?
Them: No, sir. Not really. But if I could just take a moment to tell you ab-
Posted under Solicitors. | 6 Comments »
January 11th, 2005
Attention!
I am MR, PAULEE DEE with words that which you should listen to intently. My entire collection of releatives who all do nothing but good for the world has been detained in a place called the Khadhra Insular just outside of places unknown. They are desperate to rejoin my inner circle of connectivity and familial relations but our monies have become inundated with animal reflection.
All of their propertys hav been desroyed. However, as I was the MR, PAULEE DEE with resources above and beyond expectations, my freedom was guaranteed to the greatest of all united state. Here, I have enjoyed freedom yes but not they have not. Now, not having access to the great funds responsible for the DEE family’s recalculation, I am asking you WA-FA-MELEE readers to contribute to the goodness of all.
Posted under Satire, Solicitors. | 8 Comments »
November 3rd, 2004
I’m a fool, it’s true. But I can’t quite help screwing with people who call me on the phone.
Her: Good evening, is Paul Davidson there?
(This is the moment I decide to act like I’m retarded, for some odd reason. So I break out the long syllables and high-pitched tones and make sure it takes me longer to say absolutely every phrase that leaves my mouth.)
Me: Paaaaaaul Davidssssson.
Her: So, this is Mr. Davidson?
Me: Hi! Who are you?
Her: This is ******** from MBNA America, calling to see if you’d be interested in consolidating debt or getting a lower percentage on your mortgage?
Me: What time is it?
Posted under Solicitors. | 10 Comments »
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