The Comedy Schoolings of Mike Myers

As someone based and working in Hollywood, I run into a lot of celebrities.

As someone working in Hollywood, I try my best not to talk about celebrities I run into or work with simply based on the fact that they’re people just like you and me. In fact, I’ve known many a celebrity to not wash their hands after going to the bathroom (just like you!) or steal a free bite from the pile ‘o apples at the local supermarket…just like you! But sometimes…an event occurs that I cannot keep quiet about.

This time…that event is my attending The Mike Myers Comedy School.

Reporting Words

Today’s Hollywood Reporter spills the beans on one of my latest previously-secret projects:

Meanwhile, ABC has ordered a script for “The Box,” a one-hour drama focusing on a legal case that takes place over the course of one season. The project follows the 12 jury members, who are faced with deliberating a high-profile murder trial as they uncover truths about the case, their fellow jurors and themselves.

Michael MacLennan, whose credits include Showtime’s “Queer as Folk,” and Paul Davidson, author of such books as the recent “The Lost Blogs,” are writing. Fred Gerber (Fox’s “House”) is attached to direct.

Zadan, Meron, MacLennan and Gerber are executive producing, while Davidson is co-executive producing.

You can see the entire text of the article here.

An Early Scene From My Untitled, Not Really Thought Out, New Screenplay

[Fade In]

Some guy walks into some kind of a public place wearing typical clothes for whatever time of year it is and approaches another character:

Guy: “Hi there.”
Other Character: “Oh my god, it’s you!”

[Insert ominous music here.]

Guy: “Yeah, it’s me. What do you mean by that?”
Other Character: “Well, you did that thing over at that place and everyone was amazed at what you did when you were over there doing your thing.”

[A third character walks into the place where they’re all at.]

Third Character: “What’s going on here?”
Other Character: “This guy over here is THAT GUY I was telling you about over at that place the other day.”
Third Character: “Are we safe?”
Other Character: “Well, that’s anyone’s guess.”
Guy: “Yeah, we might not be safe because of that thing that may happen any minute now.”

[A car of some kind crashes into a pole outside this place everyone’s at, and all three of our characters rush out of this non-descript place to witness the accident and see if the driver is okay. The driver is some kind of woman character and she stumbles out of the vehicle and onto the ground, gasping!]

Some Kind of Woman Character: [Gasping]
Third Character: “Are you okay?”
Some Kind of Woman Character: “We’ve got to hide, and quick!”
Guy: “They’re on their way here, aren’t they?”
Other Character: “They followed her!?”
Some Kind of Woman Character: “It’s true. They’re coming. Right now.”
Guy: “This is not good. Not good at all!”

[End Scene]

A Brief Excerpt of Dialogue From The Climax Sequence In A Film I’m Currently Writing, Tentatively Called ‘I Think My Finger Is Stuck In This Coke Bottle’

Man #1: “Hey, what are you hiding there behind your back?”
Man #2: “Oh, nothing.”
Man #1: “Really? Then show me your left hand.”
Man #2: “Why?”
Man #1: “Well, if you’ve got nothing to hide… Just show me.”
Man #2: “Why do you care so much about my left hand?”
Man #1: “We’ve never had secrets before. Why start now?”
Man #2: “Did you see that accident on the freeway today?”
Man #1: “Oh c’mon. Now you’re just changing the subject.”
Man #2: “Changing the subject? From what?”
Man #1: “From your hand. That’s behind your back. C’mon. Show me.”
Man #2: “If I show you my left hand…”
Man #1: “Yes..?”
Man #2: “…and I show it to you-“
Man #1: “Uh huh…?”
Man #2: “And then you see it…”
Man #1: “Right…”
Man #2: “It will be such a letdown that you’ll wish I never showed you.”
Man #1: “No, I doubt that.”
Man #2: “Trust me on this. It wouldn’t live up to your expectations.”
Man #1: “Just. Show. Me.”
Man #2: “Are you sure?’
Man #1: “Totally sure.”
Man #2: “Okay, but if I show you…”
Man #1: “Yeah?”
Man #2: “I don’t know that I’m ready yet to show you.”
Man #1: “Sometimes as humans we’re never ready.”
Man #2: “Never ready for what? You say that like you know why I’m hiding my left hand behind my back.”
Man #1: “I do.”
Man #2: “You do? All this time, you knew?”
Man #1: “Yes. Now show me.”
Man #2: “You totally almost had me there. I thought you really did know, but that was just a whole well-orchestrated ruse just to get me to show you my left hand, which I’ve got here behind my back.”
Man #1: “Can’t blame a guy for trying, can you?”
Man #2: “Naw, not really.”
Man #1: “So does that mean you’re going to show me now?”
Man #2: “Maybe…”

Today’s Behind-The-Scenes Look At How A Screenwriter Brushes His Teeth

I’ve received dozens of e-mails (nay, hundreds) requesting this post.

There was Bill F. from Boise, ID who asked, “Since I’m not a screenwriter I don’t really have the answer to this, but I wondered if you could tell your readers how you brush your teeth?” There was Barbara P. from New Haven, CT who said, “I bet you have a process when you brush your teeth, being a screenwriter and all. I would love to know what that is!” And who could forget Garth O. from Santa Fe, NM who wrote, “I love your writing. I suspect I’ll love your tooth-brushing process as well…if you’d only let me know exactly what that is!”

Yes, my friends — today is your lucky day.