You are currently browsing the archive for the 'Prognosis' Category
January 6th, 2007
There’s braggers…and then there’s braggers.
The innocent, harmless braggers are the ones who tell you they just got a promotion or they had a really good year or they’re feeling great or they just lost some weight or they’re on a new all-popcorn diet. The amusing braggers are the ones who tell you they just ate their weight in turkey dogs or that they’ve just finished the “entire” video game from start to finish or that they just completed that 10000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
But the people who brag about giving out their organs? I just don’t know.
Posted under Prognosis. | 9 Comments »
December 18th, 2006
I know you love your jeans.
In fact I know you love your jeans because you wear them everyday, and upon seeing you wearing them everyday you make particular mention of how much you love your jeans, how hard they were to find, and how when you find something that fits you this good how can you ever give them up for another lesser pair of denim pantalones. And sure, that’s a wonderful thing…
…until people find out you never wash them.
Whatever you do, you can’t call me a dirty jean racist. In order to call me a dirty jean racist you’d have to catch me saying horrible things about your dirty jeans like “they smell like ass” or “they’ve literally absorbed so many of your skin oils that they’re sweating on their own without any bodily or brain-control whatsoever.”
Posted under Clothing, Prognosis. | 13 Comments »
November 19th, 2006
Sometimes things reach critical mass.
And when something reaches critical mass, there’s really not much else anyone can do about it before the walls start caving in and society crumbles because of it. Such is the case with things like war, terrorism, racial insensitivity, violence, horrific natural disasters and homelessness. These things are all reaching critical mass as I type this, and becoming unwieldy monsters that surprisingly, can’t even hold a flame to one last unbearable thing.
That thing? Finger scratching hand shakers.
Posted under Handshakes, Manners, Prognosis. | 6 Comments »
November 12th, 2006
It seems like everyone I know these days proclaims to be an amateur hair cutter.
If a flip of hair happens to be hanging over your ear or your hair is beginning to look a little bit long, beware the amateur hair cutter. Desperate to use an everyday pair of household scissors or a curved nail-clipper (or even their teeth) the amateur hair clipper is in desperate need of three things: hair, a cutting tool of some kind, and a gullible victim who somehow believes that a person without an official cosmetologist license is perfectly capable of cutting a straight line.
Well, today — we reveal WFME’s prognosis on such demented individuals.
Continuing words »
Posted under Amateurs, Cosmetologists, Cutting Hair, Prognosis. | 6 Comments »
August 8th, 2006
It’s nice to know that advanced technology can’t ruin all the fun.
And while advanced technology has completely taken all the fun out of crank calling (Star-69, anyone?), anonymous electronic correspondence (I.P. tracking, perhaps?), random late night anonymous alley beatings (DNA and C.S.I.-esque investigative techniques, eh?), and calling shotgun (advanced shotgun calling GPS devices now call shotgun for you) — at least doorbell ditch still remains as fun as it ever was.
Yes, today’s prognosis on doorbell ditch is looking mighty good.
Continuing words »
Posted under Ditching Things That Ring, Prognosis. | 20 Comments »
« Previous words - More words »
