Three Pretend Cell Phone Conversations I’m Having So I Sound Like I’m More Important Than I Really Am When I Walk Past You On The Street
January 23rd, 2006
#1:
“Okay, so now that you’re done, let me tell you what I think. First of all, I just have to say this — you’re Robin Williams, okay? You don’t need anyone’s opinion on whether something is funny or not but I am honored you want me to help you weed out the mediocre material for this benefit concert. Yeah, totally — no, we’re tight. It’s cool. So I say keep the whole thing where you talk about getting high and going skiing with Bode Miller. Totally. The part where you’ve turned a tree trunk into a bong is hilarious. I say axe the whole section about shopping for panty hose, we’ve seen that before… Yeah. But definitely keep that whole alien language rap. Hilarious. Yeah, totally…”
#2:
“Sixteen point three, divided by the square root of sixty-four… Then take PI, which you know, and use the forum’s postulate in order to calcuate the integer we’re going to need for nuclear cold fusion. Right. No, no no no no — don’t ever carry the one. No, not when you’re dealing with plutonium. Listen to me. No, LISTEN. One false move, one mistake because you’re not paying attention, and half of Los Angeles is gone. Okay. Yes, I’m sorry. I know you’ve got a lot of pressure on you these days. But this isn’t rocket science. Okay, it is rocket science. But with plutonium. So do the math right…”
#3:
“Okay, calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, you’ll need something to keep her warm like a sweatshirt or something — do you have one? Well, GET ONE. Quickly. I’ll wait. Okay. Okay, you got it? Good. Now you’ve got to make sure to elevate her head. Take off a shoe and prop her head up - we need to make sure nothing is obstructing her airway. Now, I’m going to tell you when to tell her to breathe. And we’re’ going to take this nice and slow… You’ve got to make sure she’s comfortable and supported. Now, as the contractions get even closer together we’re going to start pushing. Right, I know. Look, you could be in that elevator for hours. I’ll talk you through it — I’ve done this dozens of times before. Oh yeah, that’s right — and in the back of a pickup truck too…”
