Potato Salad Is The New Stalin

Don’t tell me politics and food don’t go together.

The fact is this: just like Stalin took control of the Soviet Union and turned that country into a true economic and social power based on harsh control and political intimidation, so too has potato salad done to Memorial Day and other holiday side dishes. By the time Stalin was done working over the USSR, he had created a single-minded power. So too, has potato salad.

To illustrate my heady point, let me ask you a question. If you were going to take one side dish to a BBQ, which side dish would you take? Most of you would say potato salad. Sure, some of you would say cole slaw or maybe baked beans, but really — who are we kidding?

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Latest TV Commercial: The Director’s Cut

Let me set the scene.

There’s currently a TV commercial running on California TV. It’s a political commercial that stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s sitting at a lunch table along with a bunch of different ethnic citizens, bags of chips in the background at a lunch counter, and he’s dressed in a tie. And he’s talking…

“Do you know that for every dollar that the state takes in, the legislators spend one-dollar ten? And they can’t fix the problem, because they created it.”

We see a shot of an Asian woman, a red-headed caucasian woman and a white guy in a button down shirt all looking and listening like they’re really concentrating.

Words For Your Enjoyment: Jenna Bush

The word “Friday” has many meanings but more importantly it has six letters in it — which is strange because if you consider the start of the week to be Sunday, then Friday is the sixth day of the week.

So, what do we have so far? Sixth day, six letters in that day’s name, and “Words For Your Enjoyment” has six syllables. My point? WFYE was always meant to occur on Friday for these very coincidental reasons. (Insert weird eerie music here as you cower back in fear at the strange The Ring-esque feeling you’re having right now.

But I digress.

Bush vs. Kerry

With one day to go before one of the most controversial elections ever (I don’t know if that’s really true but it makes it sound so much more dramatic), there are still some things left to discuss.

Sure, the candidates have bloated the air waves with their thoughts on 9/11, terrorism, unemployment, taxes, stem cell research, God in the classroom, Heinz ketchup, lesbian daughters and missing weapon caches… But have they really gotten down to the nitty gritty? Have they really discussed the stuff we normal non-political human beings want to know the answers to?

No, they haven’t.

I Could Be Your Personal, Non-Electronic Voting Machine Guy

Calling all Floridians!

I know you’re concerned with the upcoming vote on November 2nd due to the debacle about four years ago. You’re sick of chads and paper voting punchers and you share the worries of citizens across this great country of ours. That is why, if I am chosen for the job, I could be your personal, non-electronic voting machine. How will it work?

Call me. Call me on my phone and tell me who you are and who you’re voting for and which measures for your state you are interested in seeing become law. I have this little pad of paper near my phone which I use for messages which will be, on November 2nd, used solely for the national vote. I will keep a tally on this little pad for each of you who call me.