Today’s Ambiguous Conversation With Snoopy Drugstore Cashier Lady

[Hypothetical character named (let’s just say) Pauly D, at the cashier station in a local drug store. He puts toilet paper, toothpaste and a Twix bar on the counter. Hypothetical, blonde-haired, mid-40’s cashier is behind the counter.]

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “Hi.”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “Somebody’s got big plans today.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “Sorry?”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “A Twix bar? Toilet paper and toothpaste? C’mon. Sure, you’re missing the magazine — but let’s not pretend we both don’t know where you’re going the minute you get home.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “And that would be…where?”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “Nevermind.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “Seriously, I don’t know what you mean.”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “TWIX.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “Uh huh?”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “Toilet paper.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “And toothpaste. So?”

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “Sorry, maybe it’s none of my business. That’s eleven-fifty two.”

[Hypothetical character Pauly D pays. Hypothetical Blonde Cashier takes it, leery.]

Hypothetical Character Blonde Cashier: “You’re that transparent, FYI.”

Hypothetical Character Named Pauly D: “Yeah, thanks.”

[The Hypotheticals part ways, and still, nothing is clarified.]

Words About The Little Mermaid

As said by a Banana Republic staff member to another father in the store:

“Have you seen ‘The Little Mermaid’? Dude, whatever you do, do NOT let your daughter watch that movie. That movie encourages the young girl to defy her father, then hook up with an older man!! It’s insane, dude. Her father is like the king of the sea or something. If you’re the king of the sea and your little girl stops listening to you, I can only imagine what your daughter is gonna do in the real world after seeing that movie. I mean, you’re not the king of the sea, right?”

What Is It With All The Thank Yous?

[At the front counter of a diner, paying in cash.]

Cashier: “Thank you.”
Me: “No, thank YOU.”
Cashier: “Seriously, thank you.”
Me: “Just so you know, I’ll be the last person to say thank you.”
Cashier: “Okay, thank you for telling me.”
Me: “No, I’d rather thank YOU.”

[She hands over my change.]

Me: “Thank you. Seriously. No need to say anything e-“
Cashier: “Thank you.”
Me: “Ha. THANK YOU.”

[I race for the door, open it, and-]

Cashier: “Thaaaaaank you!!!”

[I exit, wait for the door to almost close, then shout through the crack-]

Me: “Thank you!”

[Minutes later, I’m unlocking my car in the parking lot… The Cashier sticks her head out the back door…]

Cashier: “Thank YOU!”

[I leave well enough alone.]

Cheddar or Swiss

Waitress: “…and you can get that with chedddar or swiss.”

Him: “That’s a tough one.”
Her: “Just go with cheddar.”
Him: “Just go with cheddar? Why.”
Her: “Because cheddar is better.”
Him: “What, is that a saying or something?”
Her: “No. But swiss is rank.”
Him: “Swiss is rank?”

Waitress: “Should I just give you two a minute?”

Her: “No, he’ll have cheddar.”
Him: “No, I’ll have swiss.”
Her: “You don’t even LIKE swiss.”
Him: “How do you know what I like.”
Her: “Because we’re married. I know everything about you.”
Him: “Well, apparently not. Because I like swiss. Swiss, please.”

Waitress: “Okay. Thanks.”

Her: “You’re going to regret the swiss.”
Him: “In a minute, I’m going to regret marrying you.”