Really Truly Ironic Things

An old man turned ninety-eight, he won the lottery and unfortunately the newly adopted rules, as voted on by the California State Lottery Commission state that anyone over ninety-seven is ineligible for winning the lottery.

It’s a death row pardon two minutes early, but because of the idiot who doesn’t know how to answer those new touch-screen cell phones, he hung up on the Governor and it went to voice mail instead.

It’s like rain on your wedding day, when the two people getting married are meteorologists.

Isn’t that really truly ironic?

It’s the good advice that someone said was good advice, when in reality the good advice motivated you to join a pyramid scheme that you didn’t think was a pyramid scheme since you believed you were getting good advice in the first place.

Mr. Play It Safe, who was afraid to fly, packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight, only to find that when he found his seat, he was seated next to someone who obviously should have purchased two seats for their one butt, but instead chose to squeeze themselves into one seat. Which sort of ruined this flight he’d been waiting for his whole damn life.

Honestly, that’s really truly ironic.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when you don’t ever eat anything with spoons because it grosses you out at how people who use spoons never fully suck the food off the spoon after each bite.

It’s meeting the man of your dreams and then finding out he’s not a man at all. And then meeting his beautiful wife, who technically isn’t a woman either.

Seriously. That’s really truly ironic.

Don’t you think?

Words For Your Enjoyment: Kim Wilde and Hanging On

Some people thought WFYE was dead.

But with such a unique concept as “Words For Your Enjoyment” could you really expect it to go the way of the dinosaurs? WFYE could be trapped under a flipped semi truck on an abandoned dirt highway so far away from civilization that most people would just give up if they found themselves in that situation — but WFYE wouldn’t. WFYE could be hanging off an embankment, teetering on the edge, but it would so hang on.

Which brings us today’s WFYE subject matter and singer Kim Wilde.

Old school WFME reader and on-again/off-again blogger Katheleen writes: “Where is Kim Wilde these days? Do you think she’s still hanging on?”

Picking Apart The Concept Of Pouring Some Sugar On Me

Def Leppard.

Classic 80’s rock band. Awesome stadium performers. Authors of some of the most incomprehensible song concepts ever. Specifically, the one about pouring some sugar on another person in the name of love.

Which sort of defeats the purpose of trying to find a unique way to tell the person you love that you really love them that much since you’re not giving them flowers or anything, but instead slathering them with a mass commodity condiment. Because pouring granules of sugar on them…?

Yeah, I think we’ll be picking apart the concept of pouring some sugar on me.

No Matter What I Do, I Can’t Dream About Whitney Houston

Have you ever read those books?

You know, the ones that tell you how to cope with your daily stresses by giving yourself “suggestions” before you go to bed so that while you’re sleeping you can have your mind suss out all your problems by dreaming about said problems and handling said problems entirely in the dream world? It’s a part of those same books that also instruct writers how to solve narrative problems in their current writing, just by suggesting they want to dream about them. Even for fun, it seems, people can tell themselves they’d like to dream about winning American Idol and voila — they can.

Except no matter what I do, I can’t dream about Whitney Houston.

Picking Apart The Whole Sunglasses At Night Phenom

I’ve always had trouble with the logic of wearing sunglasses at night.

The phenomenon (or “phenom” for short) began in the mid-80’s when super one-hit wonderer, Corey Hart blasted onto the scene with his hit song Sunglasses at Night. It raced up the charts like a fireball, burning up the competition, and forever solidifying Hart’s place in history as a pop singing star who possessed the unique talent of writing songs that made no logical sense whatsoever.

And that’s why we’ll spend today picking apart the whole “sunglasses at night” phenom.

To begin with, we might as well break down the “logical reasons” that Corey Hart suggests wearing sunglasses at night and why he, the singer himself, wore them at night in the narrative of the song. Hart suggests that he wears those sunglasses at night so he can: