Words For Your Enjoyment: One Dollar

Friday, Friday, Friday…

And yet today is more than just a regular old Friday. Today is also the first day of December, which makes today’s Friday a little more special than normal. Besides being the first Friday of the month, it’s also one of five Fridays we’ll experience before 2007. And since 2007 is a number that, when you add all the digits together, equals 9 — and then you subtract these upcoming 5 fridays from 9 and you get 4… And since 4 is the amount of performers in the classic band The Beatles (who wrote the song “8 Days A Week”) and since there was never 8 days in a week in this dimension…

Well, that makes for a really surprising and exciting “Words For Your Enjoyment!”

An Excerpt From My New Play, “Two Dimes And A Nickel For A Quarter”

Lights up on a Liquor store.

A MAN walks in, approaching the CLERK. He holds out a shiny quarter.

Man: “Hey, can I get two dimes and a nickel for a quarter?”

Clerk: “For what?”

Man: “Um, gotta make a call.”

Clerk: “Calls cost a quarter these days.”

Man: “Oh. Um, it’s for the meter outside.”

Clerk: “Meters take quarters.”

Man: “Can I just get two dimes and a nickel, please?”

Clerk: “I ain’t just makin’ change for no reason whatsoever. What’s the reason?”

Man: “I like dimes. And nickels.”

Clerk: “Nobody likes dimes or nickels. There’s no reason for ’em. No more, at least.”

Man: “I’m going to the dime store, okay?”

Clerk: “Wrong decade.”

Man: “I’m buying a dime a dozen?”

Clerk: “Nope.”

Man: “Nickel slots?”

Clerk: “This is Los Angeles. Not Vegas.”

Man: “Shoot.”

Clerk: “Yeah. See you.”

The MAN exits.

Lights out.

I Am The King of Reaching For The Check (But Never Getting It)

My skills are world-renknowned.

They whisper my name in hushed tones, quietly wondering if I am the man they think I am, sitting there across from them at the dinner table. They watch, with bated breath, wondering if when the end of dinner arrives — if I will flex my muscles and make an offer that, in the end, I will most definitely refuse. In Spain they call me Volvereturno! which is a simple yet clever combination of the Spanish verb that means “to return” and the obvious American word “return” — which just communicates how doubly-dangerous I can be.

That is, dangerous…when the dinner check arrives.

My Not-So Indecent Proposal

You’ve seen Indecent Proposal?

That’s the movie where a couple (Demi Moore & Woody Harrelson) go to Vegas and meet a billionaire businessman (Robert Redford) who offers the woman one million dollars to spend a night with him. The couple, who desperately want to build their dream house take the deal, and the night in question rips apart the very fabric of the relationship after the husband finds out that his wife slept with Mr. Moneybags. So very sad and depressing.

But if it was me, and I could throw around a million bucks in return for getting you to do whatever I wanted — here’s the list of things I’d have you do over the course of our night together:

George Clooney Is Owed Money

It appears as if someone owes George Clooney some money.

Let’s face it — George Clooney doesn’t act because he likes to gain weight and get his ass kicked (which eventually causes years of chronic pain and suffering) nor does he enjoy getting into a latex bat suit and having the horrific memory follow him throughout his career. Clooney is in it for the money, and that’s why WFME found it so strange to find out there’s money out there that he just hasn’t scooped up.