Today’s Prognosis on Eating Things Off the Floor

What’s with this whole five second rule?

If I’m eating an Oreo cookie and the damn thing falls on the floor…and five minutes go by, you still better believe that I’m going to kneel down (using my legs, not my back), pick up that glorious little cookie, give it a quick five-second burst of air, and shove that baby back into my mouth. I’ll do it at a five minute count, a ten minute count, and the next morning if I find it wedged underneath the fridge.

Because this whole eating off the floor thing has gotten a totally bad rap.

Today’s Rebellious Thoughts on Lap Napkining

Lap nakpining.

If it was a phrase that had been legitimized by official linguistic and vocabulary publications, lap napkining would be described as “the act of laying a napkin on one’s lap due to societal and cultural pressures seemingly out of date, yet continually reinforced throughout dinners everywhere.” And while it might be long-winded, it would be quite an astute description of just how confining and idiotic the act of lap napkining has become in our society. And while such opinions might be rebellious…

…today I’m going to embrace such thoughts with open arms.

Today’s Prognosis on Finger Scratching Hand Shakers

Sometimes things reach critical mass.

And when something reaches critical mass, there’s really not much else anyone can do about it before the walls start caving in and society crumbles because of it. Such is the case with things like war, terrorism, racial insensitivity, violence, horrific natural disasters and homelessness. These things are all reaching critical mass as I type this, and becoming unwieldy monsters that surprisingly, can’t even hold a flame to one last unbearable thing.

That thing? Finger scratching hand shakers.

I’m Done Opening Doors

Chivalry is officially dead.

That’s because while chivalry was still alive (thanks to me) and I went around opening doors for old folks, people with walkers, delivery guys carrying boxes with both hands, attractive women with no ring on their left hand, children with autistic qualities, groups of soccer players, foreign dignitaries, and nurses carrying body parts ready for transplantation — no one said thank you whatsoever.

I think that’s probably why I’m done opening doors.

The Reason For No Conversation In Public Bathrooms (Or, Complicated Multiplication)

You think you know why people don’t talk to each other in public bathrooms, don’t you?

You think it’s because people feel uncomfortable when they walk into a public bathroom because there are prying eyes. You think it’s because people just would rather do their business and not try to have a lively conversation while doing it. You think it’s because people in stalls would just rather feel like they were alone, and because people at urinals would rather face the wall instead of interacting with friends, family or strangers.

But that’s not the reason for a lack of conversation in public bathrooms.