The Church of TiVo’s Ten Commandments

  1. Thou shall have no other recording devices that use physical recording media like video tapes and recordable discs in thy household.
  2. Thou shall not give any program three thumbs up as no program, in the eyes of TiVo, is that perfect.
  3. Thou shall not give any programs from HGTV, DIY or WE a higher status in the Season Pass Menu than any major network show or else thee shall feel the pain of a TiVo filled with the same remodeling programs day in and day out, thus deleting said network programs before thou has the chance to view them.
  4. Thou shall not refer to the act of taping a program with typical tape or recordable disc technologies as “TiVo’ing” a program as this is using thee glorious name of TiVo in vain.
  5. Thou shall keep thy telephone cord always connected to the port of TiVo or face the wrath of the “Thou Hath Not Connected To Your TiVo Service In This Many Days” message.
  6. Thou must convince and convert any unbelievers in thy house to adopt the ways of TiVo.
  7. Thou shall never covet thy neighbor’s TiVo with the warranty-breaking 500 gigabyte internal hacked hard drive, as this is a false version of the true glory of TiVo.
  8. Thou shall never use the slo-mo button for non-sports programs.
  9. Thou shall never ever Season Pass Small Wonder, Punky Brewster or Silver Spoons.
  10. Thou shall never ever steal a TiVo.

Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)

  1. “Don’t speak. No. Seriously. Don’t say a word.”
  2. “I am SO bloated.”
  3. [Crying, uncontrollably.]
  4. “Before you say a thing I just want you to know that I already ate an entire box of granola.”
  5. “Jimmy-cakes?”
  6. “Thank god, I thought after the whole bao incident that you’d never call back.”
  7. “What city please?”
  8. “I don’t want you to judge me for what I’m about to say and I don’t want you to think of me any less or look at me in a bad light or anything like that after I say what I’m about to say but I hope you can just have an open mind and really not think negatively about what I’m about to say…right…this…minute.” [Then don’t say a thing, no matter what they say.]

Ten Rules for Making Rules

Society collapses without rules.

So too, do everyday actions like calling shotgun, sharing a movie-theater armrest and choosing a urinal in a public bathroom. In fact, rules are the cornerstone of what we do, how we do it, why we do it and when we do it. Without rules, society would just be a chaotic place, with chaoticness and chaos and a bunch of crazy chaotic crazies.

But most people aren’t that great at making rules.

That’s why I thought it would be helpful for me to reveal one of the most carefully guarded secrets of mine (in addition to the one that involves me, a starlett and a sushi restaurant) so that the rest of society could benefit from it. I mean, didn’t that one guy say that one time something about how if you are doomed to repeat society or something, that we must learn from our secret guarded rule lists or something?